Thursday, January 19, 2017

I Quit

*I am going to bullet point what happened leading up to the decision to quit my job as a night receptionist - my goal is to keep this simple for myself.*

- I noticed an increase in anxiety before work going into work the end of October/beginning of November.
- I was unhappy and uneasy at work. There were many changes going on and I began to feel unsafe.
- The middle of January I came to the conclusion that I needed to quit.
- Wow. There were specifics that happened. People Heavenly Father sent to help guide my thoughts, but I didn't write it down at the time, and I cannot remember the specifics of what happened.
- I just know that the days leading up to telling my supervisor I was quitting were filled with horrific anxiety. I was not able to sleep, I was experiencing more dissociation, and the day I told my supervisor I was quitting, I had nausea and diarrhea all.day.long.
- My supervisor was amazing. She suspected I was going to quit and that things in the evening were worse than I was letting on. I did give her my two weeks notice but due to the reaction and words of a co-worker, my supervisor did not let me come back.
- I had an episode in her office and had to have mom come and get me. It was such an unfortunate way for things to end.
- I am still sad that I did not get to say goodbye to the clients. There are two in particular who really meant a lot to me. It's so sad that one day I was there and the next I was not.
- All things happen for a reason. I believe my 18 months at that job were filled with learning and purpose. I wanted to hang on tight and not quit until I had another job lined up. Heavenly Father kept telling me that I needed to quit first before the way would be shown. 
- For a long time, I have been angry with my body for shutting down in stressful situations. This anger is shifting to immense gratitude. For weeks leading up to talking with my supervisor, my body was telling me that the work setting I was in was not right for me anymore. Anxiety increased, dissociation increased, ticks/twitches increased, sleep decreased - all signs that the stress was too much.
- I believe quitting was the best decision for me.
- Heavenly Father knows all and even though I do not have another job right now, I feel at peace. I am doing my part and my life is in His hands. He knows what is coming - He is providing - and all will be well.
 

Monday, January 16, 2017

A Perfect Day

Sometimes, Heavenly Father gives us the perfect day.

I had to say goodbye to my dear friend Caroline on Friday. I didn't know how I was going to do this or how the time leading up to our goodbye would go. I desperately needed Heavenly Father's help but didn't know what to say in a prayer. So I kept it simple and as I pulled up to their house quickly uttered, "Heavenly Father, help." 

From the moment I stepped into their house to my final hug with Caroline, the day was perfect. Caroline and I went to pick up the kids from a friend's house and I was greeted with hugs, smiles, and happiness! While there I noticed that my shirt was on backwards and went into the bathroom to switch it around but didn't lock the door. In came Emma and Ian - I loved it! Ms Emma had to go to the bathroom and asked for help and Ian climbed in the tub lol I got to buckle them into their car seats when we left and talk with them all the way to McDonald's where we had lunch. Both Emma and Ian wanted to sit by me (I felt so loved!) and Emma snuggled up next to me, looked up and said, "I love you, Auntie Rachel." My heart melted. At one point I had my arms around both of them and we snuggled while waiting for our food. Emma and I played a few amazing rounds of rock, paper, scissors, and I loved seeing the joy on her face when she won. We went home and while Ian took a rest, Emma and I played in my car. I got to introduce her to "doing donuts" not "eating donuts" HA! When I said "Do you want to go do donuts?" She said, "I love donuts!" I then explained what that meant and she still had a good time! We stayed at the top of her cul-de-sac and kept it under 1 MPH so she got to sit buckled up in the front seat. It was so much fun! Ian woke up and I sweetly found myself with Ian on my left leg and Emma on my right leg, snuggled up for some cuddles and TV. Caroline walked by and said, "Don't move. You're not allowed to help pack." I didn't fight that at all. I sat in that moment, soaking in how much I loved them, and let the tears fall as I experienced sadness that they would be far away. I'm so grateful for the skills I have now to not push the emotions away, but rather, let them come, and know that they won't last forever. They had a snack and then we all went out to play in my car. I asked them if they wanted to drive my car - crazy, I know, but I couldn't help it! One of my favorite memories is sitting on my Dad's lap, "driving" the car! Emma was thrilled and actually did a really good job! Ian was content to honk the horn ha! We did some more donuts and then I introduced them to the magic that is my non-automatic windows! They had a blast rolling up and down my windows. I was so happy to have their finger prints all over my windows - it'll be a long time before I wash my car. Next we went to the giant truck they had rented and I encouraged them to run around in it :) Because I'm cool like that. I loved every second of their running and giggles. All throughout the day I kept wanting to pull out my phone and record what was happening - but Heavenly Father encouraged me to just live in the moment, to be fully present, and completely enjoy them. (We later found out that there were two huge nails sticking up from the floor of the truck bed and the kids had been running around there without shoes on! I know Heavenly Father sent angels to watch over them so they didn't hurt their little feet.) They got to explore the cab of the truck and then I gave them a "treat" (hello reese's pieces) from my purse. Oh the simple joys of chocolate and peanut butter. I knew it was almost time to take them to their cousins' house and began to panic a little. The drop off was quick but filled with precious moments. Emma hasn't been into having her picture taken recently, but she happily came and gave me a tight tight hug and took a few pictures with me. She was so silly and said, "Pretend we're married and dip me!" LOL That girl is SO fantastic! I told her how much I loved her and that I would come visit soon to see her new pink room. Then Ian came too without tears and let me give him big hugs and kisses and said he wasn't going to show me his room when I came to visit but would go with me to the beach HA! Saying goodbye to Simon was so hard - I didn't have any good words to say. I'm just so grateful for his friendship, for how happy he makes my dear friend, and for the amazing dad he is to my niece and nephew. I hated saying goodbye to Caroline. I could've hugged her for days. She has been the answer to so many of my prayers. Her influence in my life has been tremendous. She IS an angel Heavenly Father sent to watch over me. Looking back on the day, it was perfect in so many ways. The kids were delightful. I needed all of those hugs and "I love you, Auntie Rachel" and reassurances that I matter to them. They are so precious to my heart and knowing I am important to them means the world to me. I needed the snuggles at McDonald's and on the couch. At one point while we were playing in my car, I had Ian climbing all over me and Emma showing me tricks and bumping into me. I felt like I was reaching my "touch" limit, and then had the thought, "This doesn't happen very often. Relax and enjoy it because you'll look back on this moment and miss it." That has proven to be true. I do miss the climbs and bumps. They translate into, "I love you." I am so happy they made it to FL safely. I'm so thankful for facetime and phone calls and texts and facebook and pictures - all of these things will help the distance be a little less painful.

 
Saturday night Mom and I were talking in the family room when she said, "I want to tell you how proud I am of you for getting genuine joy from other people's children. It's a very Christ-like quality to find joy in something that you could be upset about. Right now you want children and a family of your own and you could feel bitter towards Heavenly Father that you don't have those things. But instead, you are reaching out and finding joy in other people's children. It's an endearing quality." I was so touched by her words. I had never thought of my love for my friends' babies and children in this light before, but I was so thankful for my Mom's insight. I feel happy and loved when I'm with these little ones. I can't help but feel joy. I know my time to be a mommy will come. I believe it will come. And until then, I'm going to love the children Heavenly Father has put in my life.

Tonight I'm feeling especially grateful for Heavenly Father's hand in my life. He has given me so much - a perfect goodbye and lots of babies to love. My heart is full.