Tuesday, October 31, 2017

3 hours.

left. and then. it'll be november.

ugh. i'm not ready for november. what a sucky month to be a trigger month. why not march? or may? nothing really fun happens in those months - so why can't i suffer then and have november to enjoy?

life isn't fair. this is just another piece of evidence that life isn't fair.

what am i thinking and feeling?

thoughts of my mission always begin to surface during this time. so much trauma happened there. so much suffering was experienced. what are the worst parts?

- sleeping with her scorpions put in resin as paper weights at the foot of my bed.
- the cold.
- the crying at night and during my hour lunch.
- the free greasy tacos.
- the wasting time - checking the mail 2 times a day.
- the guilt and pressure to be and do better.
- the fear.
- the smell of firewood burning.
- them torturing a tarantula to death - the smell - the chemicals - the suffocating sensations in my body.
- the boiled cow skull she picked up off the road and put in the car.
- the darkness.
- the trailer with holes in the floor - unstable - filthy - i thought i was going to fall through it.
- eating goat meat - and the house that was far away with the strange food for dinner - the fear - the smells - her black trench coat - the anger shoved down.
- the stories of abuse we were told - the house filled with cats and cat urine.
- the pictures of the baby who had just died.
- falling to the floor and being taken to the hospital.
- the horrific catheter put in me while men were around and having her look - the nurse not being gentle.
- crying for dad for hours.
- the confusion and fear.
- the call from home.
- the episodes, all day, every day, for a week.
- the threats to take me to the hospital if i "did not stop" having episodes.
- falling again - the guys carrying me out.
- embarrassment and shame.
- her hugging me/pulling me to her chest - feeling smothered and claustrophobic.
- the dr giving me depression meds - without a clear picture or medical history or any tests done.

i've dreamed about // had nightmares about the last 8 weeks of my mission so often, sometimes i can't discern what was real and what i have dreamed. what is listed above was real. it all happened. and left me with ptsd.

it took 3 years for me to break enough to end up in the hospital. mercifully that opened the door to dbt - a therapy that has given me healthy coping skills. last year, susan and i did 6 months of prolonged exposure therapy, where i worked through many of these situations. the fear of them is less, but i don't think it will ever completely diminish. i was assigned to be with someone who was emotionally and psychologically abusive all day, every day - i had to be with her at all times unless i was using the bathroom or taking a shower, and i have suffered because of it. there was damage done. and it's taken taken years to overcome and deal. most of the time i'm ok. but november is always hard.

i pray that god will open my eyes to the joy that can be had in november - that joy will triumph - that i will stay busy and focused on all the good. when the hard days come - when the tears come - when the anger comes - i will slow down, sit with the emotions, and honor them.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

I feel like I'm 1000 years old...

Hello Old Friend. I've missed you. And I think I've been avoiding you. IDK why - well I probably do, but I don't feel like investing emotional time/energy at the moment into figuring out why I've been avoiding you.

Here - I'll check in with you :::

I Am: Tired. I'm tired old friend. At least once a day I say "I feel like I'm 1000" - and I mean it. Maybe it's because I feel like I've somehow crammed 1000 years into my mere 28. Life is hard. The pace is insane. The demands. The expectations. The realities. I didn't dream of this life. In my dreams it was hard, but do-able. There are days when I truly feel I can't do life, especially on life's terms. Oh, and I'm showered. Which means I'm clean. And smell good. And my skin's soft.

I Feel: Worn. Ragged - Torn - Sore - Drained - Empty. I feel terrified of Christmas and the gift expectations. I feel empty knowing my sisters won't be home for Thanksgiving this year. I feel overwhelmed with all I need to do before leaving on a trip. I feel emotional and willful. I feel swallowed up and consumed by daily life.

I Think: Slowly. Very slowly these days. And often I don't get the words out that I want to. My brain lags behind. Luckily my creativity has not gone away, but it too is suffering. 

I Know: Enough. 

I Want: Joy. Peace - Happiness - Contentment - Quiet - Calm. In a not suicidal way, I sometimes want my life to be over. I want the rest I believe comes in the after-life. I want relief from the demands. I want an escape. I want to know why certain kids in my class at school are sad. I want to understand them and help them. I want to cuddle them and hold them and let them know they are loved. I want my heart to be softened towards the kids who aren't as easy to love. I want patience that doesn't drain me. I want balance in my life.

I Wish: That time would slow down. That my bed would make itself. That laundry would put itself away. That I had better insight into God's plan for me. That my body was not in pain. That I didn't have episodes in my sleep. That I knew how to help Hope grow - it makes me sad to see her stalled in her growth.

I Love: My snails and fish and plants. I love them. They bring me so much joy and calm in this swirling world. I love watching Everleigh throughout the day. She's so funny slooping around her terrarium. I love taking care of her. I love talking to Mr Baggins - I love that he always swims up to eat/talk to me. He's so entertaining. I love that his tank is clean and that he is so colorful. I love my plants and how well they are growing. I love that they all fill my bucket.

I Dislike: Dating apps.

I Will: Keep going. Take each day as it comes and pray for the ability to do all I need to each day. I will thank God for my blessings. I will say Loving Kindness Meditations for those who are suffering.

I Will Not: Worry about the many things beyond my control.

So, you see old friend, much is happening even though I've been quiet. Thanks for being a safe place for me to land. xoxo

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Stop It

Dear Overwhelmed Girl/Boy,


You have done too much for too long. It is not fair to yourself (I won't even mention family, friends, children, spouses, etc) to keep up this unrealistic pace.

Where is it written that you have to do everything? Where is it written that you have to say "yes" to all that is asked of you? Where is it written that saying "no" makes you a bad person and therefore you should feel shame and guilt?

My dear Overwhelmed Girl/Boy, the answer to those questions is - NOwhere. NOwhere is it written that you must be all and do all. The thought of being perfect and doing everything perfectly is so overwhelming, you will drown in that thought alone. Perfection is an illusion. Reality is, your best, which changes from day to day based on your physical, mental, and emotional health THAT day, is enough.

Why are you so hard on yourself when you would never react that way to another person? Why do you hold yourself to such high standards when you would give any other person the benefit of the doubt? Why are you allowing yourself to be run over by excessive demands in life?

I understand that there are basic needs you must meet for yourself and/or spouse/children. But beyond that YOU have the power of decision on your side. You are allowed to say "no." You are allowed to put limits on what you will give (amount, time, effort, etc). You do not have to be pushed around by someone else's idea of what you should be doing.

I guarantee you, NO one is doing it all. NO one is living up to the perceived perfection you think you see. EVERY person has a breaking point. EVERY person reaches a point where she/he must decide, "Is it worth it? Is what I'm putting my energy into worth it? Is it worth my worries, thoughts, fears to stay focused on this?" Often, what is taking up MOST of our energy is of LEAST worth.

So, my precious Overwhelmed Girl/Boy, take a deep breath. Exhale slowly. And allow yourself to truly let go of the unrealistic and embrace the realistic. Realistically, you will get 1/4th of the things on your "to-do" list done today, if that. And you know what, Precious One, that's more than enough. Realistically you will need to ask for help. There are seasons of helping and seasons of receiving help. Please do not judge one as better than the other. Both seasons have their purpose. 

Spending time Judging yourself is wasted energy. Why Judge what is when you could instead be breathing in calm and gently going about your day, one activity at a time? Please, find time to sit and rest. Carve out space in your day for gentle rejuvenation. Whatever that looks like for you: laying on a blanket in the sun; getting your favorite cool drink; treating yourself to some hand picked flowers; going through the drive through for chips and queso; napping when your babies nap; putting on an hour movie and napping on the couch while your babies watch TV; asking a friend to come over and paint your nails; trading off meal making days with a friend; and on and on.

You, my Sweet Overwhelmed Girl/Boy, are more than enough, just as you are.

Please, just be.

And trust that all is well.

xoxo (<--- click-able)

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Frequently Sick

Once again, there is so much I want to say about being sick. But I'm going to simplify the process for myself. I will bullet point what has happened while mixing in the lessons I've learned, the blessings I've seen from being sick, and the questions I've asked regarding being sick.

- Why do bad things happen to good people? Why are babies born pre-mature? Why do typically developed babies have traumatic births resulting in severe physical and/or mental limitations? Why did I go into my 20's before having severe difficulties with my mental health? Why do the innocent have to suffer? 

- The answer Heavenly Father has given me to these questions is, "Because it brings them to me." And I agree with that. 100%. I have prayed more in the last 8 years than perhaps the previous 20 combined. I have felt sadness so deep that I knew only Christ understood. I have fallen at the feet of my Savior and begged him for help. I have sobbed in the arms of my Heavenly Father many nights, seeking comfort and strength to carry on another day. When life is going well, I pray, but my prayers can take on a staleness. When life is hard, beyond what I know I can do, my prayers are thorough and take on a sincerity only pain/suffering brings.

- I have been so sick this year physically. I've had horrific colds, the flu, a sinus infection, and am currently trying to figure out a mystery illness. I miss feeling well. I miss sleeping at night and being able to breathe without coughing. I miss the energy that comes with being well.

- Being sick has allowed me to really appreciate all the things that I easily took for granted: not having a sore throat/not noticing my throat at all instead of counting down the hours until I get to take Aleve again; having a small, regular cough in the morning instead of an all day cough that often triggers my gag reflex; having a clear head, not one swirling with mucous; the amazing job my nose does at warming the air I breathe instead of needing a humidifier for weeks to do that work for me; waking up and feeling like I can handle the day instead of waking up daily and having my only thought be, "I honestly feel like I'm a thousand years old;" not having to go to the doctor all the time instead of weekly trips to some doctor.

- In the midst of all of these negatives - I still see incredible blessings, not the least of which is having insurance. My dad works so hard at his job and a huge blessing of his job is insurance coverage. I am able to get the treatment I need because he works. Another great blessing is not having a regular part or full time job. What a strange blessing, but it has been amazing to see Heavenly Father provide for me financially while still giving me time to rest and heal. I tire easily and any interruption to my system takes me a few days to recover from.

- So, you see, much good has come to my life from being frequently sick this year. Ya, it sucks. But I was told in a Priesthood Blessing that "this sickness will not last for the rest of your life. You will be able to figure out what's wrong, get the appropriate treatment, and move on. You already have more than enough trials for one person in their life and what is currently going on will not be an ongoing trial." I will reflect on that promise from Heavenly Father when I feel my worst. He knows me, He loves me, and He will heal me. I will be responsible and go to my doctor appointments, then trust that Heavenly Father is leading me to where I need to be. There are no mess ups or mistakes in His plan.

Monday, May 15, 2017

4 months have passed

My Dear Blog (and Readers),

It has been an eventful 4 months. I'm sorry I haven't written for so long. I built up writing to be big - TOO big - that I couldn't do it. The words would not flow from my fingertips as they do now. SO much has happened. I am progressing and living life. But to stop and write about it felt like a burden instead of a blessing; an energy-sucker. My energy is sacred and I can't afford to invest it in activities that don't fill me. So, I took a break. During this time I have thought about how I would blog my experiences without spending hours trying to create something perfect, instead of the realistic, good enough. I have found the middle path of good enough and am ready to blog again.

The following (and maybe more) blogs will be written (hopefully) this week (and post-dated to match the time when they actually happened):

January 19th: Quitting my Job as a Night Receptionist

February 14th: Valentine's Day - A Day FILLED with Love

March 19th: Standing Up for My Mental Health: Quitting My "Preschool" Job

March 24th: Passion and Purpose (Jamie!)

April 6th: Meeting DAYNA!!!

April 18th: Joyfully Celebrating 28 Years! 

April 16th: Easter!

April 30th: Nessa's Greenhouse 

May 6th: Picture with Jesse the Screech Owl :)

May 14th: Mother's Day

May 16th: Frequently Sick (2/10; 3/4; 3/11; 3/15; ER; Onions)

With Love and Hope,


Tuesday, April 18, 2017

28 Will Be Great!

*I'm writing this on 6/2 and am in a bit of a sour mood - mostly because, surprise surprise, I don't feel well. So I thought I would do some opposite action and write about a really joyful memory.*

GAH! My birthday was SO amazing! A few weeks before my birthday I started a new medicine. I was titrating up and once I reached 3/4ths of the dose, I lost joy. I didn't want to engage in activities I normally would and I couldn't figure out how to start even simple tasks. After 2 days of crying all.day.long I realized it was the medicine and I backed off of it until I was able to stop it completely. During that time, I thought about what I wanted to do for my birthday, but my brain wasn't working and I wasn't able to tap into a creative place. 

Luckily - after I was off the medicine, I jumped right back into life and living! And with this lift in sadness came the fabulous idea to celebrate my 28th birthday with an open house style party! My theme was JOY (and owls snuck in there lol). So many people came and I was able to feel/receive their love for me.

What I find so amazing is the huge difference my recent birthdays have had. For many years in my early 20's, probably up until 26, I felt a great deal of sadness on my birthday. Not from the activities, food, or celebration, but because of the stupid number. In my mind, I should've turned 22 on my mission, I should've been married by 23 and celebrating with my husband, I should've been expecting a baby by 24, I should've had a baby by 25, etc etc. Along with those would have come accomplishments in my career as a speech therapist assistant and a house, car, dog, etc. Having those birthdays come without my "should's" was really hard. 

Oh how I wish I had not wasted time in the Land of Should.

Also, there was a time when I could literally count on 1 hand the people in my life I thought cared about me. I was in such a dark place and often thought about my funeral. Besides the Bishop officiating, I assumed my counselor at the time would come out of obligation and drag his wife along, and I knew my dear friend Suzanne would come and bring her then partner. That's it. 5 people. In my darkness, this was my reality. I believed those were the only people who would come to remember me and out of the 5, only Suz would do it because she loved me. The rest were out of guilt. 

It breaks my heart to think that I didn't believe my family would come. Now, my perspective has shifted, my heart has been opened, and my eyes SEE the many, many people who love me. I hope my funeral isn't for a looong time, but when it comes, it will be packed :) There are so many people who love me. And even better, there are SO MANY PEOPLE I LOVE!!!

I could not have asked for a better birthday. Our house was filled with kids/adults/families and I was so happy. I was also proud of the way I managed my anxiety. I was able to participate in the party and be present in the moment. I wish there was a way to physically save days so that you could go back and re-live them - this is a day I would for sure re-live.

By 9:30 the house was quiet and I had a pile of gifts (even tho I asked for no gifts - people are too sweet). Gifts are my love language and I think because I was tired and a bit over-stimulated I began having an internal breakdown. I have some slight OCD tendencies and wanted to finish all the birthday things on my birthday. I found myself trying to force myself to open the presents while internally crying (ok, externally too!). Finally, in a moment brought to me by DBT skills, I realized, not everything has to be done today. I validated my fatigue and told myself that after an excellent rest, I'd feel like opening gifts. And being rested, I'd be more fully able to enjoy them.

I was right! I opened my gifts the next day and couldn't stop smiling. I am SO grateful for the love of my family and friends. The day could not have been any better for me.

I am blessed.

I am loved.

I got sooo many fabulous ideas to make 28 a Joyful year!

I loved this - I set up our dining room with construction paper and crayons - the kids then made creative works of art!

This was super fun to make :) 


My Owl Cake by Bonnie Blue Cakery!

Another delicious cake made by my friend, Sarah!

Jalim & Dayna


Stacey & Bron

The Baileys

The Lisonbees

Logan & Jillian

The Fam (minus my sissies)


These are just a few of the many many people I love who came out to celebrate!

Oh, and I got my picture taken with Jesse the Screech Owl!!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

A Day FILLED With Love

I am so grateful that my attitude about Valentine's Day has shifted over the past few years. For too long I saw it as a day only for people in a romantic relationship. That's wrong! It is a day about LOVE! I love so many people so that means Valentine's Day is for me too :) This year I made a conscious effort to look outside of myself and make this day about giving love to those who may feel lonely. I made little rock owls and sent them as Valentine's to my friends and family. I was also the recipient of SO MUCH LOVE! It's amazing how much love there is to receive when you look outside of yourself. I had a beautiful Valentine's Day - and am actually looking forward to it next year!

 Mindy brought me the darling wooden owl; Jake and McKenzie decorated my car, brought me roses, and gave me the adorable owl cup!
 Jake and McKenzie went SO above and beyond! They wrote out quotes about friendship and "heart-attacked" my car! I love LoVe LOVED it :)
 Look at all of these darling, hand written hearts <3 -- they also gave me sweet tarts
 Meisha gave me roses, Dad gave me a huge bouquet of beautiful roses, Mom gave me chocolate, and the Baileys gave me another bouquet of roses and a bear.
How lucky am I?!?!
 I super-loved having fresh flowers in my room.
 Jake and McKenzie's hearts all over my bulletin board :)
 As if the day couldn't get any better, the kind 16-18 year old boys in my church congregation made Valentine goodie plates for people - and I was included! The treats were so good and I felt very loved.

What an amazing day, huh?! Oh to be loved <3

Thursday, January 19, 2017

I Quit

*I am going to bullet point what happened leading up to the decision to quit my job as a night receptionist - my goal is to keep this simple for myself.*

- I noticed an increase in anxiety before work going into work the end of October/beginning of November.
- I was unhappy and uneasy at work. There were many changes going on and I began to feel unsafe.
- The middle of January I came to the conclusion that I needed to quit.
- Wow. There were specifics that happened. People Heavenly Father sent to help guide my thoughts, but I didn't write it down at the time, and I cannot remember the specifics of what happened.
- I just know that the days leading up to telling my supervisor I was quitting were filled with horrific anxiety. I was not able to sleep, I was experiencing more dissociation, and the day I told my supervisor I was quitting, I had nausea and diarrhea all.day.long.
- My supervisor was amazing. She suspected I was going to quit and that things in the evening were worse than I was letting on. I did give her my two weeks notice but due to the reaction and words of a co-worker, my supervisor did not let me come back.
- I had an episode in her office and had to have mom come and get me. It was such an unfortunate way for things to end.
- I am still sad that I did not get to say goodbye to the clients. There are two in particular who really meant a lot to me. It's so sad that one day I was there and the next I was not.
- All things happen for a reason. I believe my 18 months at that job were filled with learning and purpose. I wanted to hang on tight and not quit until I had another job lined up. Heavenly Father kept telling me that I needed to quit first before the way would be shown. 
- For a long time, I have been angry with my body for shutting down in stressful situations. This anger is shifting to immense gratitude. For weeks leading up to talking with my supervisor, my body was telling me that the work setting I was in was not right for me anymore. Anxiety increased, dissociation increased, ticks/twitches increased, sleep decreased - all signs that the stress was too much.
- I believe quitting was the best decision for me.
- Heavenly Father knows all and even though I do not have another job right now, I feel at peace. I am doing my part and my life is in His hands. He knows what is coming - He is providing - and all will be well.

Monday, January 16, 2017

A Perfect Day

Sometimes, Heavenly Father gives us the perfect day.

I had to say goodbye to my dear friend Caroline on Friday. I didn't know how I was going to do this or how the time leading up to our goodbye would go. I desperately needed Heavenly Father's help but didn't know what to say in a prayer. So I kept it simple and as I pulled up to their house quickly uttered, "Heavenly Father, help." 

From the moment I stepped into their house to my final hug with Caroline, the day was perfect. Caroline and I went to pick up the kids from a friend's house and I was greeted with hugs, smiles, and happiness! While there I noticed that my shirt was on backwards and went into the bathroom to switch it around but didn't lock the door. In came Emma and Ian - I loved it! Ms Emma had to go to the bathroom and asked for help and Ian climbed in the tub lol I got to buckle them into their car seats when we left and talk with them all the way to McDonald's where we had lunch. Both Emma and Ian wanted to sit by me (I felt so loved!) and Emma snuggled up next to me, looked up and said, "I love you, Auntie Rachel." My heart melted. At one point I had my arms around both of them and we snuggled while waiting for our food. Emma and I played a few amazing rounds of rock, paper, scissors, and I loved seeing the joy on her face when she won. We went home and while Ian took a rest, Emma and I played in my car. I got to introduce her to "doing donuts" not "eating donuts" HA! When I said "Do you want to go do donuts?" She said, "I love donuts!" I then explained what that meant and she still had a good time! We stayed at the top of her cul-de-sac and kept it under 1 MPH so she got to sit buckled up in the front seat. It was so much fun! Ian woke up and I sweetly found myself with Ian on my left leg and Emma on my right leg, snuggled up for some cuddles and TV. Caroline walked by and said, "Don't move. You're not allowed to help pack." I didn't fight that at all. I sat in that moment, soaking in how much I loved them, and let the tears fall as I experienced sadness that they would be far away. I'm so grateful for the skills I have now to not push the emotions away, but rather, let them come, and know that they won't last forever. They had a snack and then we all went out to play in my car. I asked them if they wanted to drive my car - crazy, I know, but I couldn't help it! One of my favorite memories is sitting on my Dad's lap, "driving" the car! Emma was thrilled and actually did a really good job! Ian was content to honk the horn ha! We did some more donuts and then I introduced them to the magic that is my non-automatic windows! They had a blast rolling up and down my windows. I was so happy to have their finger prints all over my windows - it'll be a long time before I wash my car. Next we went to the giant truck they had rented and I encouraged them to run around in it :) Because I'm cool like that. I loved every second of their running and giggles. All throughout the day I kept wanting to pull out my phone and record what was happening - but Heavenly Father encouraged me to just live in the moment, to be fully present, and completely enjoy them. (We later found out that there were two huge nails sticking up from the floor of the truck bed and the kids had been running around there without shoes on! I know Heavenly Father sent angels to watch over them so they didn't hurt their little feet.) They got to explore the cab of the truck and then I gave them a "treat" (hello reese's pieces) from my purse. Oh the simple joys of chocolate and peanut butter. I knew it was almost time to take them to their cousins' house and began to panic a little. The drop off was quick but filled with precious moments. Emma hasn't been into having her picture taken recently, but she happily came and gave me a tight tight hug and took a few pictures with me. She was so silly and said, "Pretend we're married and dip me!" LOL That girl is SO fantastic! I told her how much I loved her and that I would come visit soon to see her new pink room. Then Ian came too without tears and let me give him big hugs and kisses and said he wasn't going to show me his room when I came to visit but would go with me to the beach HA! Saying goodbye to Simon was so hard - I didn't have any good words to say. I'm just so grateful for his friendship, for how happy he makes my dear friend, and for the amazing dad he is to my niece and nephew. I hated saying goodbye to Caroline. I could've hugged her for days. She has been the answer to so many of my prayers. Her influence in my life has been tremendous. She IS an angel Heavenly Father sent to watch over me. Looking back on the day, it was perfect in so many ways. The kids were delightful. I needed all of those hugs and "I love you, Auntie Rachel" and reassurances that I matter to them. They are so precious to my heart and knowing I am important to them means the world to me. I needed the snuggles at McDonald's and on the couch. At one point while we were playing in my car, I had Ian climbing all over me and Emma showing me tricks and bumping into me. I felt like I was reaching my "touch" limit, and then had the thought, "This doesn't happen very often. Relax and enjoy it because you'll look back on this moment and miss it." That has proven to be true. I do miss the climbs and bumps. They translate into, "I love you." I am so happy they made it to FL safely. I'm so thankful for facetime and phone calls and texts and facebook and pictures - all of these things will help the distance be a little less painful.

Saturday night Mom and I were talking in the family room when she said, "I want to tell you how proud I am of you for getting genuine joy from other people's children. It's a very Christ-like quality to find joy in something that you could be upset about. Right now you want children and a family of your own and you could feel bitter towards Heavenly Father that you don't have those things. But instead, you are reaching out and finding joy in other people's children. It's an endearing quality." I was so touched by her words. I had never thought of my love for my friends' babies and children in this light before, but I was so thankful for my Mom's insight. I feel happy and loved when I'm with these little ones. I can't help but feel joy. I know my time to be a mommy will come. I believe it will come. And until then, I'm going to love the children Heavenly Father has put in my life.

Tonight I'm feeling especially grateful for Heavenly Father's hand in my life. He has given me so much - a perfect goodbye and lots of babies to love. My heart is full.