Monday, October 17, 2016

me

I see you.
I see you hurting.
I see the confusion in your creased forehead.
I feel your physical pain.
You are enjoying the floor more and more.
It does having a grounding effect.
Your plants are so lovely.
They don't all need names right now.
Just enjoy them.
Study them.
Watch them.
Tend to them.
It fills your bucket.
I know your body hurts.
I know the yeast infection is burning.
I know your not-really-fixed toe is throbbing.
And you are scared to death to go through the procedure an 8th time.
You let those tears flow.
You have a right to be sad.
You have a right to cry.
It doesn't make sense.
It just doesn't to you.
Life isn't fair - what a stupid phrase.
Hurry up and have babies so we can do something permanent.
She missed a chance to be compassionate.
She missed a chance to be understanding.
She missed a chance to comfort someone who is suffering.
It is her loss.
And one day she will look back and regret her thoughtless words.
This isn't what you wanted.
I know.
It hurts.
Reality hurts.
You can be willful.
It might be in your best interest to be willful right now.
Yes, you know God could heal you.
There is no doubt in your mind.
But, your gut tells you, he's going to let you suffer.
Not because he's mean or hates you, but because he needs you to.
You don't want to submit to his will.
You don't want to suffer.
I understand.
Because I am you.
Life is hard.
You can do hard things but you don't want to.
I get it.
You looked up and saw the moon.
Tears streamed down your face.
It is so confusing.
The body.
The mind.
Their connection.
And you feel trapped in a broken mind and body.
Will healing come?
Probably.
But it might be a really long, long time before it does.
Yes, that is heartbreaking.
I hear you, body.
I hear you screaming for help.
But I don't have the tools to help you.
I'm trying.
But it's going to take time.
I wish you would be gentler on me while I learn.
If I had the knowledge and resources, I would fix you.
But it's so complicated.
No one wants to be a "medical mystery."
You want someone to look at you and go, "All these weird things make sense.
Because you have this."
And "this" would answer all your questions.
And heal all your pain.
And bring your mind back to a clear state.
You would be Whole.
Or as Whole as you can be in this fallen world.
And you'd take it.
And be grateful.
Because fresh in your memory would be the years of suffering.
The years of questions.
The years of tests.
The Years of Unknowns.
Can you see it?
Can you see the Unknowns as part of your past, not present?
For a moment.
Brief.