Monday, June 27, 2016

empty arms

man, i really had such a different picture for my life when i was younger. i thought at 18 - after weeks of crying to the lord asking what i should major in - that when the answer came back speech therapy, well, i thought my life was set. study undergrad speech for 2 years in texas. go to utah to get my master degree. date and find a spouse. get married. work and have kids. buy a home. that was it. that was the dream. oh how the path has changed. i didn't get into grad school in utah. i can count the number of dates i've had on one hand. i served a mission. my mental health took a turn for the worse and i had to get help - with serious intervention twice. i've gained weight. i do not have a spouse. i don't have children to rock to sleep or snuggle with. and sometimes, this last one breaks my heart. i'm currently going through a time when i just want to hold a baby. i want those snuggles and cuddles. i want the perfect trust that baby has in me to keep him/her safe in my arms. the baby smell brings tears to my eyes. like pretty much everything in life - having a baby is not all glamor all the time. but i long for those moments of peace, security, and calm, when that little one is in my arms, looking up at me, and loving me with all my insecurities, fat rolls, depression/anxiety, fear of failure, oh the list could go on. because that's not what he/she sees. i am more than that. and i feel pure love - god's love - radiating from these little ones. i want to be in their presence all the time. mercifully god has placed good friends in my life who are having babies and they let me come over and snuggle. it's a lonely feeling though when i walk back to my car, arms empty. one baby in particular has been my saving grace recently. he is the sweetest little boy. tears are streaming down my face as i write of his goodness and tenderness. he has the sweetest disposition and is smiley and drooly and absolutely perfect to me. i was holding him tonight and he just looked at me, with clear eyes, straight into my eyes, and i know he saw my soul. he didn't break eye contact or get distracted. he just looked at me. and reached his little hand up for me. i could've stayed in that moment forever. now i'm just crying. he is a tender mercy and a huge blessing for me. i can't imagine my sundays without him or my friday nights since he's been my date for a few. i could go on and on about how much i love him and his parents. he helps make my empty arms - my waiting period - a little less painful. and for that, i am grateful.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

go fund who? oh, me :)

Monday night I started a gofundme campaign for my medical expenses. As I stated on my "campaign description," 80% of my treatment this year is out of network.

My parents did NOT ask me to do this, nor do they know about it right now. This is something I felt I should do. When God speaks to me it is with a thought or sentence that comes to my mind and I can "see" the words across my forehead. Twice I had the impression to start a gofundme campaign. It was humbling and hard to do.

I rely on my Mom and Dad for the majority of my medical, housing, and food needs. I work 14 hours a week in the evenings which I use to pay for "fun stuff," like my phone bill, clothes, gas, Sonic, etc.

This year our family has faced added medical strain with my Dad needing treatment. My parents also help my other siblings with various medical/car/living needs. I know the pressure has been hard on my Dad and he has said some things that have made me wish there was something more I could do to help out. I know my parents want me to be well and are invested in me. They have given selflessly for years. In 2 days, 10% of my campaign goal has been met! I am deeply humbled and grateful to those who have given. I feel words fail to adequately express how moved I am by the giving of family, friends, and strangers.

I calculated the cost of my medical needs for the rest of the year and that is where I came up with the goal of $5000. ALL of that money will go directly to paying for my Dialectical Behavior Therapy sessions, Exposure Therapy sessions, and Neuromodulation Technique sessions. Any extra money at the end of the year will be given to Mom and Dad as "reimbursement."

I have had the Shouts of Shame and Exclaims of Embarrassment echo in my mind phrases such as, "You are a terrible person for asking others for money," "You should feel really bad about doing this," and "You'll never meet your goal," but to these and other negative thoughts I say, "QUIET!" Yes, I wish I could do it all on my own, but I can't. And so I humbly ask for help and pray for those who have given and shared my gofundme campaign.

My ultimate goal is to pay it forward. I love what my sister B said when she shared my link, "A dollar goes far past 4 quarters or 100 pennies: it means someone cares and believes mental health is worth fighting." Any amount helps - sharing my page helps.

THANK YOU, my angelic supporters, thank you.

One of my milder seizures.