Sunday, May 1, 2016

I am Infinitely more than my Limitations

I write because I want to remember these moments. I have been happy and at peace for the better part of two months straight. I really think that's the longest stretch since November of 2010. What a relief and calming experience it has been to wake up each day and feel happy. Daily I have found myself enjoying my day - finding joy - being joy-filled. And I believe joy stems from happiness. I didn't think I would get to this point. A year ago I was still in the middle of multiple tests down at UTSW. I was having blood drawn on a weekly basis. My diagnosis then was periodic paralysis. My life felt doomed. In a year's time so many options have opened up. So many avenues for healing have been presented to me. I am seeing the fulfillment of God's promises to me that I will be healed. I feel happy and confident because I am facing situations instead of avoiding them. My thoughts are clearer. My decisions are steady. 

Exposure on Wednesday was incredibly hard. I know I have had other excruciating sessions - but it felt like this one took the cake. To re-live in story such hellish experiences is tremendously painful. I felt like I bounced back from it ok and when I saw Dr Huse Friday we did work on releasing the trauma physically. I have never been so stubborn and angry with him before. He got some serious side eye during our session and I found myself fighting so hard against him. I'm typically pretty trusting of him and let him do what he feels is best - but it's like I was split in two inside - one part was trying to let him do his job and the other part was fighting like hell to keep him out. The anger was so powerful. I clenched my jaw - wouldn't make eye contact with him - and wouldn't talk to him. This is very unlike me in our sessions. I went from a pretty yang (feminine, open) state to an extremely yin (closed, angry) state. Pillows are what I use to communicate I want someone to stop - specifically Susan and Dr Huse. I went from a laying position to a sitting position and put a pillow in front of me. I was furious. The anger was trying so hard to protect me from my primary emotions of grief and fear. I was shaking with rage and had my fists up and ready to swing. Dr Huse, in his wisdom and compassion, stopped, looked at me, and I lost it. I have howled/sobbed 3 times in my life - Friday was one of those times. It was uncontrollable, heart-wrenching, and painful. So many thoughts and feelings rose to the surface and I howled from my pain-stricken heart. "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to try. I want this to be over. I don't want to have seizures or go through exposure. I hate my mission. I hate that it started all of this pain. I'll never be whole. I'm broken." He gently put his arms around me and said, "I know. I know you don't want this. I'm so sorry." It's amazing how validating touch and compassion are to a person who is suffering. For the rest of the day, every time I tried to talk to someone or participate in life (basically anytime I was doing something other than sleeping or distracting) I started to cry. The grief that was inside of me - it was so strong. Later that night I had an episode and started vomiting. He was able to help me over the phone by balancing out the emotions that had come up and calming down my overwhelmed systems (neurological, endocrine, and immune).

God has such a gentle way of preparing me for the next step in my healing. Through Susan, Dr Huse, and two friends I believe one of the next steps for me is going to be learning Trauma Release Exercises from a certified teacher here in Texas.

Since Friday, I have not felt the happy peace I was feeling. This is disappointing to me, but I have hope that the fear I feel now will not always last. I think my body is doing its best to process the toxins that came out Wednesday/Friday and that in time I will return to my state of peaceful happiness. It is scary being faced with the possibility of a depressive episode when I have been feeling good. And I REALLY don't want that - but I know if it happens, I have a strong support system that will see me through. One of the DBT skills is to be present. I can't change the past and I can't control the future. But I can live now and BE now. Even if these aren't my happiest moments, I can say they aren't my saddest. And with each experience I am learning and growing and healing.

While texting S yesterday about my experience Friday, I said, "I'm still amazing even if I don't feel as happy as I have." And her perfect response was, "That is a very amazing thing to say. I'm so proud of you for being able to know that in the midst of IT."

I'm proud of me too.

More and more, I'm catching glimpses of the 'light' within me.