today, i feel like an option.
sure, i'll do for company or chatting until someone better comes along.
this has left me feeling rejected, because to whoever i'm engaged with, i'm fine until someone interesting comes along. someone who's getting married, or having a baby, or moving, or getting a new job, or going off to school, or starting their own business, or doing something BIG in life.
i'm not - so it doesn't matter what i'm doing - it's not big enough to matter.
i'll do until someone better and interesting comes along.
one day, i hope to be someone's priority instead of their option.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
i have been silent. not for lack of things to say. but lack of energy to formulate those thoughts into coherent sentences - creating paragraphs - leading to a blog post.
i have lost a lot of meaning in my life. when i'm depressed i shut down and don't act. i do what little i have to to get by. i don't engage in activities that could bring me joy. it's all i can seem to do to put one foot in front of the other.
meaning - if there is no meaning behind an activity, there's really no point in doing it. dr huse has encouraged me to sit and think deeply about things that matter to me. i haven't wanted to expend that energy. too often i get lost in the confusion of my mind. a thought leads to a tangent which results in an emotion and before i know it i'm ruminating and lost. i don't want to sit and figure out what the meaning is behind me walking (let's be clear - i do not call exercising exercising because if i do i simply won't do it) - what does walking mean to me? what does it mean for me to sit and read a book? what meaning is there in reading? what does it mean for me to spend time being creative? what does my creativity mean?
there are so many hobbies/likes i have dropped over the past years. things i have set aside - and instead sleep or watch hours of netflix. i don't think or feel i have the energy it takes to engage in meaningful activities - so i settle for meaningless ones. i don't read the truths found in scriptures. i have added praying back into my life - but not consistently. i've stopped going to the temple. i only attend an hour of our three hour church meeting. these spiritual pillars have held me together for so long, but especially this last year, i set them down. and in so doing i believe i have done myself a great dis-service. the miracle here is that though i have set aside these things, heavenly father and jesus christ have not set me aside. if anything i feel in my heart i have become more important to them.
i am not confessing my sins or trying to air out my misdeeds - i for sure don't need a calling to repentance - i'm simply trying to paint a picture here of how meaningless my life has become since stopping the meaningful things. for months i didn't even know what was missing. i knew i felt - maybe lifeless - but i didn't know what the missing link was. it wasn't until dr huse said the word "meaning" that i found my answer.
so, what do you do when life has lost its meaning?
i don't really know. i never pictured myself in this situation. i'm sad that my life is so different from the one i always imagined. i'm trying to add things back in that i once found enjoyable. as i do that i notice the resistance of a dulled brain and a bored spirit. improving oneself is not easy.
i am also facing incredible fears - real and imagined. doing a lost activity is difficult - add in talking myself off the cliff of fear and it feels impossible.
as bored, meaningless, and unhappy as i am - it's easier to stay here than to try.
for a while, writing lost its meaning.
as i laid on my bed today, curled in the fetal position, tears streaming down my face, i could only cry out, "Lord, please, heal me."
it is rare for me to be touched by something said in church - but today i was. someone quoted a simple scripture, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:14-29) and in that moment i knew - this is where i am. for years, i've been promised healing. i have an expectation of what that healing will be. i've waited and waited and waited. progress has been made, healing has not been achieved. facing 2016 was incredibly depressing. i stayed in bed all day january 1st. i hated the day. i was encouraged to - interestingly enough - give NO meaning to the day. to treat it like any other. i struggled to do that. inside i was screaming, "this day does have meaning! it means i have to start over - AGAIN. face the same dates - face anniversaries - face dr appts - face exposure therapy - face trauma release exercises - face my incredibly long and painful road of healing - AGAIN. and i DON'T want to do that. not for another second let alone another year."
but the day passed. and healing will come. maybe what i am to learn is MY definition of healing is not God's - and so i must look with "eyes to see" when that healing comes. i suppose every step of the last five years has been a piece of my healing puzzle. though it pains me to admit that.
"Lord, I believe." i do, Lord. i do believe you are capable of healing me. i even believe you are willing to heal me. "Help Thou mine unbelief." but five years? i'm not comparing to anyone else - i'm saying that FOR ME five years is an incredibly long time to wait. and during that time i've become disillusioned - jaded - angry. and unbelief has settled in my soul. "Help Thou mine unbelief." i'm not asking for a sign - i'm praying that you will please comfort my soul, still my soul, hold me in your hands and show me the way, so my unbelief is cleared.
i'm weary. my greatest desire is to be out of my body. it is heavy, troubled, painful. i want a break from being in it. i believe only the relief of death will bring those things. so instead i'll try to re-direct my greatest desire to be - healing. healing comes through the Savior. i don't understand it - but i believe it.
and right now, belief is all i have.
***i watched all three videos below today and heard God talking to me - i hope you will take time to watch them - they will lift you***
"lord, i believe"
"cast not away therefore your confidence"
"like a broken vessel"