Friday, December 4, 2015

empty

I'm in an empty house - sitting in an empty room - feeling completely empty inside.

I don't know for sure why I want to document this. I guess because I'm assuming/hoping it will go away and I want to be able to look back and go "Ya, I remember that and I overcame it."

I want it to be very clear that I LOVE Dr Huse and KNOW he is doing incredible things for me. His methods may not be what many are use to - but in many ways they have been more effective for me than traditional medicine.

That being said - we have to sift through a lot of crap to get to what's driving my emotional states/thoughts and then clear it out and replace it with thought patterns that will be beneficial for me.

I have fallen into a slump. I'm not exactly sure what triggered it but it was exposed today as Dr Huse worked on me. I have deeply seeded, core beliefs about myself that are harmful to me. When my system is exposed, these beliefs fire more rapidly and strongly, making me think/feel these beliefs are who I am.

As I laid there on the table, three tear drops fell from my eyes. The pain of exposing these beliefs - to release/clean out - was sad. It's sad to believe that I'm worthless, that I will fail in whatever I try to do, that I shouldn't try because I can't be successful, and on and on it went.

I have been left feeling completely empty. I'm not numb - I've been numb before and looking back I see that there was an intense anger fueling the numbness. I'm not happy - I'll smile and talk to you but inside there's nothing. I'm not sad at this point - not depressed - certainly not enthusiastic. I'm not identifying with any emotion right now. I can go through the motion of things but nothing has helped me feel better. Bored - maybe bored. I could probably identify with that. But I don't want to do anything. I'm not feeling creative. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to sit or stand or be on social media. I don't even really want to write. This is such a strange place to be. Maybe I'm bored and I don't care. No, I care but I don't have any drive behind it. I don't want to do anything about the things I care about.

I feel so over this. So done with being in this body in particular. I hate it. It's heavy and weighs me down. It's in pain and tired. It's covered in acne. There is nothing on this body that I want. I want to be rid of it.

I want a break - but I'm struggling to identify what a break would be for me.

In summary - I feel the following:::
 
Uninhabited - Desolate - Abandoned - Hollow - Ineffective - Meaningless

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