Wednesday, November 11, 2015

dear november 10th,

no, you did not escape my notice this year. i lived through your day and felt the consuming sadness you bring each year.

i hate you a little less this year. and my hope is that with each passing year i'll hate you a little less and a little less until i don't even remember the pain you brought into my life.

unlike the previous four years - i did not have a seizure on your day. that's progress.

i can't believe how sad i felt. how deeply i hurt. how much i longed to escape. you still matter to me - but the day will come when you don't matter. when you're simply another date on the calendar instead of a stop in my life.

i'll forget you, but you'll never forget me. because what started on your day didn't break me. i kept going - kept fighting - kept living - in-spite of fear, anger, and loneliness.

the memories of your day five years ago still haunt me. i dream of having seizures and being taken to the hospital and that fear grabs my heart and holds it hostage until i awake in a sweat. but i've learned so much and i believe it will not always be like this.

as s said, "the time will come when the anniversaries don't cause you pain...there are lots of events and many many times of year that previously weakened me and now do not." you will not always cause me pain - you will not always weaken me.

i'm not where i was - i'm not where i will be.

you won't win. i will.

with eyes wide open, i'm looking up.

if you're completely lost on this post read the blog posts below:

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