Saturday, November 28, 2015

to me, from me

Dear Rachel, 

Wow - can I just start by saying "bravo" and slow clap leading up to thundering applause. You. ARE. Amazing. Look at all you've done when you feel like the pits - girl if that doesn't deserve a Standing O then nothing does. 

Ya, being a girl really sucks sometimes - and when you've been bleeding down there for 6 weeks and have to get on a bc it REALLY sucks. Whew - those drs LIED to you when they said local bc has less effect on the body than systemic bc. lies lies lies. Yes - yes on every level - I feel those hormone induced headaches and those mood swings - you're a rock star for not killing anyone. Vertigo sucks. Having something up your you-know-what for three weeks is terrible - then you bleed for one - and then it's back to three... And the other side effects - yep, it's awful - I hear ya. 

Depression - it is seriously a nasty part of your life. Ya I thought it would go away/get better too but the truth seems to be you have depression, now what? Well you walk this awful road as best as you can. Take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. And remember when you feel like doing something extreme, you really don't look good in stripes - so stay cool - be chill - lock yourself in your bedroom - and just breathe. 

Sheeh. Ya you weren't expecting to look THAT huge and fat in your photos. Yearly pictures all started out as a way to honor and document your journey but boy it's depressing when your journey makes you fat. Let's just start here - some of those angles were not flattering. Low to high = no bueno. High to low = muy bien. Also, ya you've gained weight. It's not all your fault - you're on meds that sedate you and make you not feel like exercising. You have little energy - I hear you - and with what energy you do have why - WHY - would you spend it on exercise when you have a ton to do??? Yes, you need to eat better. Yes, you need to exercise. But it's not all your fault and I KNOW you can only put out so many "fires" in your life with what you have. One day, therapy and Dr Huse and all the other things that are taking up your time, won't. And then you can work on these things. A time for everything and everything in it's time. It sucks being fat and feeling incredibly ugly - thinking that you being fat is why no guys ask you out etc etc. 

While you're thinking of all these down sides to being in this body and living this life, you have to admit you are pretty spectacular too. First of all - your eyes are amazing. They tell deep stories of suffering but can change to sparkles as you laugh until tears run down. Your hair is beautiful and you can pull of many different colors. Girl, your boobs are the bomb! Seriously - people pay to have what genetics gave you. You are hilarious! You have an amazing sense of humor. You can make people of all ages laugh - that's a unique talent. You have exceptional taste in music and loving animated movies will make you forever young. Your suffering makes you accessible to many people in different walks of life. How cool is that? One day you'll be well - whole - healed.

Ya, this is not the life you wanted or expected but it's ok. You can do this. You can win. You can conquer. You can succeed. I'm watching. I'm seeing. I'm clapping. 

With Love and Respect,

Elle Crank

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

dear november 10th,

no, you did not escape my notice this year. i lived through your day and felt the consuming sadness you bring each year.

i hate you a little less this year. and my hope is that with each passing year i'll hate you a little less and a little less until i don't even remember the pain you brought into my life.

unlike the previous four years - i did not have a seizure on your day. that's progress.

i can't believe how sad i felt. how deeply i hurt. how much i longed to escape. you still matter to me - but the day will come when you don't matter. when you're simply another date on the calendar instead of a stop in my life.

i'll forget you, but you'll never forget me. because what started on your day didn't break me. i kept going - kept fighting - kept living - in-spite of fear, anger, and loneliness.

the memories of your day five years ago still haunt me. i dream of having seizures and being taken to the hospital and that fear grabs my heart and holds it hostage until i awake in a sweat. but i've learned so much and i believe it will not always be like this.

as s said, "the time will come when the anniversaries don't cause you pain...there are lots of events and many many times of year that previously weakened me and now do not." you will not always cause me pain - you will not always weaken me.

i'm not where i was - i'm not where i will be.

you won't win. i will.

with eyes wide open, i'm looking up.

if you're completely lost on this post read the blog posts below: