Saturday, October 17, 2015

the congreve cube

i am - "stuck." "oh, to my floor?" "no, sir." "then what?" "like as a person." that's from mr magorium's wonder emporium. i love that movie. i resonate so much with all of it. i am stuck - on how to write what i'm feeling/thinking. i just wrote an email that was hard because i had to be dbt about it. both/and - acceptance/change - her feelings/my requests. i think that's what sucked the creative writing juices from my soul because i had so many thoughts in the shower - and now they're gone. maybe down the drain with the water. wow - i am glad i didn't publish my last blog post. it started out as a blog post but then i realized it was so personal and angry that i needed to send it to s. so i did. ya'll are welcome. i signed the letter "-the hulk-" and i was a big, angry, raging green monster that day. i am proud of myself for the progress i have made. most of the changes i have made cannot be seen. they are internal. changes in my thought patterns. calming of my anxiety. thinking "what's the worst that could happen?" and NOT coming up with catastrophes but rather likely outcomes. it's so fascinating in my brain. i wish you could see it. the thousands of dollars spent on my therapy is working!

"unlikely adventures require unlikely tools" :)

i feel - calm, a little tired, and grateful. dr huse is helping me so much! i am able to stay awake for 12-14 hours and that's a miracle. i do not wake up tired every day. i still hate mornings and the sun but i'm not tired all the time - i never thought this day would come. i am managing my headaches/migraines without prescription meds! how cool is that?? i am also decreasing my xanax - off of one depression med and weaning down on the other. god promised me years ago that there would come a day when i would no longer be on prescription meds - at the time i did not see how that was possible. NOW i see it - dr huse was/is the key and i'm so grateful. i feel excited for the christmas season. i can't believe it's here already. i can't believe that i've survived this year. so much has happened. i can't believe i'm working. my life really is a miracle.

i think - susan is right. i am not as much "clinically depressed" right now as oppressed. i am wanting more independence in my life and am having a really hard time navigating to that. a lot of my feelings are not sad feelings but irritated, annoyed, frustrated, angry feelings because i'm not where i want to be. i'm far from where i was but not where i want to be. i need to trust that if god can get me off my meds he can put me in my own place again. HE has that power. yes. he does.

i know - i'll be alright - that my creative writing juices will come back - that there will be stupid people no matter where i go in life.

i want - to cut. ya, i really do. i miss the communicating it did for me. if i wanted family to b a c k o f f i just had to show them the cut marks and then enjoy my solitude. i long for the pain - the scars - the blood. i know i'm feeling more stress in my life so this is a good test to see if i can manage it. susan reminded me that cutting now would not get me closer to my goal of independence but push me back. i'm trying to remember that when the urges overwhelm me.

i wish - i knew what to get my parents for christmas. so often i'm irritated with them that it's hard to want to get them anything. yet in that same moment i know they have financially made my healing possible - so i get mad at myself for being mad at them. god must have put us in families because they are the hardest environments to survive. 
hell. yes.

i will - continue to be mindful of the moment and enjoy my saturday. the weather is lovely, i'm surrounded by owls, and this moment is a good moment.

i will not - let anger cloud my vision of who i can become.


  1. You are loved sweet girl💗---Becky

  2. Those question marks are hearts! Ugh... Technology. I just don't get it.

    1. Lol - they showed up on my iphone like hearts :) And thank you xoxo