Wednesday, October 7, 2015

day to day act

"Never underestimate another's suffering because you can't see it. Many cry anguished tears in between the day to day act of living. I'm one of them."
-Rachel

I am - leaning against my bed. I like to slump over in this position because it stretches out my legs and back.

I feel - Better after seeing Susan this morning for the second time this week. Yesterday, wow, yesterday was a totally different story. I was a mess. I was angry - think Hulk-like anger, and cried and cried and cried. I sobbed at work and in the shower. It was a very difficult day. I wanted to act on self-harm urges but after making a coaching call to Susan, she reminded me that if I do that it will only set me behind in my long term goal of independence. She also said - contingent on me being skillful last night - I could come see her this morning. I guess I really don't want to disappoint her - and have come a long way with my skills - because I chose to remain skillful, tolerate the emotion, and see her today for additional help/support.

I think - hmmm - many things are coming to mind - all of them jumbled. In this moment, I think I'm going to be ok. I think S is right - my future is bright. Susan and I were talking today about not putting worry energy into the future. She said there's a concept in AA that asks, "What's the next right step?" We did that for my day today by mapping out what the next right step would be for me, hour by hour. That I can do. That is manageable to me. When I start to think about all that is expected of me, all that I want to/need to/should do, all that I'm not doing, I shut down. So tonight I think I'll just do the next right step.

I know - I am being blessed by God. There is so much more to him than I understand. There is so much more mercy he has and will extend to me. Have you heard the saying, "There's no such thing as standing still - you're either moving forward or moving backward." I decided I don't agree with that. Depression does a number on the brain. I have never felt so abandon/alone then these past 5 years of struggle. My thinking about my faith has wavered. Susan says she sees me as a very faith-filled person, fighting to know what I believe. I have seen (and do see) myself as a failure in my faith for not doing everything asked/required/expected of me. As I began thinking about my walk on the Road to Salvation I decided if I couldn't walk the path right now at least I could stand facing the right direction. Then that seemed too much. So I decided to sit facing the right direction. Sit and wait. Wait until I had the strength/courage/understanding to pick myself up and carry on. Into my mind came gently the image of Christ sitting next to me. I was so comforted by that. He will walk with me - and when the walk becomes too much - he will sit with me. He understands my complex challenges better than I do and so he is completely capable of looking on me with mercy as I sit and wait. I do not feel like I am going backward. And I'm not actively moving forward. I'm sitting and waiting. And that's ok.

I want - To be calm as I begin working 11 hour days Tuesdays and Thursdays for the next month. Ha, actually I want to pop some pills that will increase energy and decrease anxiety, but they would end up cancelling each other out. So I'll just move with a quiet perseverance and breathe in each moment as it comes.

I wish - I could think this clearly all the time. Guess I'll just have to have therapy, followed by a support group, then a nap, and a cupcake every day if I want to feel this level headed - ha! I wish I didn't feel like damaged goods. I wish I could find a guy interested in me.

I will - Shower tonight and have my sister S braid my hair so I don't have to fix it tomorrow.

I will not - Hate myself, look down on myself, or call myself names. That doesn't inspire me to do better - it squashes the little motivation I have to keep living/dreaming/creating.

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