Saturday, September 19, 2015

DON'T. PUSH. ME.

"don't push me!" i scream to myself.

yes, it's me talking to me. 

i'm so tried of hearing myself go on and on about how i "should" be doing such-and-such when getting out of bed is hard enough for me these days.

from january to june of this year i was in a slump. the working theory of periodic paralysis left me hopeless and depressed. i look back and see just how much that diagnosis affected me. i was a lifeless shell, shuffling from one dr's appt to another. the more i learned about pp the less able i felt to cope with a lifetime of it. i lost sight of me and any potential i had to be "the woman of my dreams."

when i was officially diagnosed with psychogenic non-epileptic seizures in june a sense of acceptance came over me. i started seeing dr huse in july and have found a stable sense of well-being in spite of obstacles. i got a job in august. before that, i did not know when i would return to work. i started going to a pnes group at utsw in september and like it, though no new answers about pnes have been given to me. in august i started cutting back my anxiety med and yesterday i cut out a depression med.

the past 2-3 weeks i have noticed sadness as my primary emotion.

my actions reflect this sadness/depression.

there are many things i 'should' do in my awake time, but all i have the motivation for is another episode of whatever on netflix. 

no motivation - no energy - no drive.


monday i saw susan and began with, "i don't want to be here - and i know i don't want to be here because i'm avoiding something, but i don't know what i'm avoiding."

after tears - sitting - talking - she told me i have taken two HUGE steps: working and starting the pnes group. often after we make big changes in our lives we simply need to "sit and be" with the steps we've taken. for me that translated into just sitting and being ok with working and the stress/anxiety that causes me and as i work on figuring out my triggers for the pnes episodes i must also sit and be ok with where i am.

when i started the pnes group, i was expecting some huge/magical solution to these episodes. i wanted "the cure." i'm so tired of having these episodes, but more than that, i'm tired of managing them. i want them to go AWAY for GOOD. in the three group meetings we've had so far, the answer has been, learn your triggers and manage your life in a way that you can decrease them so that you don't have as many/any episodes. WHAT A SHITTY ANSWER!!! that's what i've BEEN doing for the past three months - and i haven't had any episodes - but it's been a HELL of a lot of work - and I'M TIRED.

i'm tired of trying/pressing on/keep going. 

not in an "end-my-life" way like i have been in the past, but in a completely exhausted, mad at god, i don't want to, slump into depression kind of way.

i don't want to do exposure therapy. i don't want to be skillful. i don't want to let my emotions rise and fall as i sit with them. i just DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE!!!

hell, i haven't even wanted to write on my blog. that's so sad to me. i've had no energy to put thoughts into complete sentences. every time i thought of writing on here i found myself curling up in bed.

i don't feel like i'm expressing how deeply and thoroughly i don't want to engage in life right now. i want an out. i want the depression to be gone - the withdrawals from meds to be gone - the pressure to perform to be gone - basically i want to exist without existing

my spiritual life has gone from a grape to a raisin. i hardly pray - i don't read my scriptures - i don't like going to church - i'm mad at god because THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO GET EASIER! utsw was supposed to hold THE answer and i'm SO disappointed that the answer is/was "what you're doing is it. keep doing what you're doing." NO! give me a pill - rewire my brain so i don't react to stress with seizures - do SOMETHING! i feel like i'm such a disappointment (to god, to my parents, to church leaders) but i don't have what it takes to be "amazing" anymore.

this severe disappointment has led to depression and a lack of motivation. i don't want to engage in life. while ALL OF THIS is going on i look around me and long for the "normalcy" i see my peers have - marriage, babies, family, companionship, a home, security, etc. i posed the tear-ridden question to susan, "who would want me? who would want someone who has psychologically driven seizures when they're stressed? i would be such a burden." my family has to take me - but who would choose to take me? ugh - TEARS! 

ha ya and THIS is the time i choose to cut back on my meds. smart. real smart. bleh...

even when life gets better IT STILL SUCKS. when will i get to the point that i'm content and moving at a steady pace in life? is THAT the impossible dream?

bet you're wishing 1) i hadn't written and 2) you didn't start reading.

susan said in our session, "i know you're tired of hard."

i really am.

i think the saying "i can do hard things" is stupid. sure i can do hard things, BUT I DON'T WANT TO! and it doesn't make me feel any better saying, "you can do hard things" to myself. hence the "DON'T PUSH ME" saying to myself.

i'm being pushed and pulled and excavated (in therapy and with dr huse) so DON'T. (EXPLETIVE). PUSH. ME. !!!

~~~ and that's all she wrote ~~~

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