Wednesday, August 26, 2015

a depression post

depression.

ah, something that has been a part of my life for almost 5 years.

before my mission trip to AZ i did not suffer from depression. i did suffer greatly from anxiety, but depression was not something i would have identified myself as having at that time.

returning home early from my mission, having non-epileptic seizures on and off for 5 years, working full time for 14 months in difficult homes, having recurring thoughts of committing suicide, going inpatient twice - all of this has contributed to my depression. during all of this there were times when my depression was better and times when it was way worse. 

from january to june of this year i had MANY tests done to rule out everything from a sleep disorder to periodic paralysis as it related to my non-epileptic seizure events. the results came back PNES and they sent me to a group for others who have this, which starts next week.

this was more help with this problem than i had gotten from any other doctor. the problem was, i was still having odd symptoms that no one could explain the hardest for me being restless nights, exhaustion during the day even though i was sleeping 14 hours, and no energy. as my mom put it, "the events are a big deal but the lack of energy is what's crippling."

enter dr huse. he has been a life line as i have seen him and found answers/healing from him.

the most kind and reassuring thing he told me was that my brain is confused and sending signals to my body that my body is not interpreting correctly which is why it has been extremely difficult for me to function "normally" these past 5 years.

i believe when the depression hit me hard after coming home early from my mission that my brain began to get confused. i have always been a sleeper - able to take a long nap in the afternoon and then sleep at night for 10 hours - but with the depression i only slept. when i had the sleep study done this year the results came back "interrupted sleep." no shit. i could've told you that and saved us lots of money. my question was WHY was my sleep so interrupted?

as dr huse has worked with me he found that my parasympathetic and sympathetic systems are reversed. the parasympathetic system kicks in when the body is at rest - for normal people that's at night. the sympathetic system kicks in when the body is in fight or flight response - for normal people that's during the day. 

for me, my parasympathetic system kicks in during the day (creating exhaustion) and my sympathetic system kicks in at night (creating energy).

this knowledge has been a breakthrough for me. there are finally reasons i feel the way i do! it's not because i like sleeping all day or am lazy - like i've told myself a million times - and i'm not really a night owl. my brain got super confused when the depression hit and i've been seeing the effects of that for years.

i believe - and am hopeful - that the day will come when i'm off of all prescription medications. i think i will always need to be on supplements but maybe/hopefully not the strong doses of meds i'm on now. and this belief/hope comes because of the work dr huse has been doing with me. i can't sing his praises enough. he is the first doctor who i felt like has really cared about me as a whole. at our last appointment he said, "i look forward to the day when you are off of all medications and can come in here and be completely you." tears filled my eyes.

i'm so thankful for him. thankful that i have answers and reasons as to why my body is reacting the way it is.

 i know i'll get better in time.

and that time is coming.

 

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