Monday, July 27, 2015

god is good

wow, 20 days since i last wrote. i can't BELIEVE july is almost over .... time is moving faster than i can comprehend.

so much has happened. so many good things.

i've been using my skills like crazy. i saw susan today and told her that the dbt skills are becoming second nature to me - easy to use. she said that's a really good thing when you don't have to think about what you need to do, you are just able to do it. i have been able to work through moments of severe anxiety - that in the past would've ended in an event for me - and have been more validating towards people in my life - especially practicing this skill with those who it's not easy for me to validate.

i continue to LOVE seeing dr huse. he's incredible. susan was out of town for two weeks and i know it would not have been possible for me to go that long without seeing her if i had not had help from dr huse during that time. his gift of healing is incredible - and he's the ONLY dr i look forward to seeing. right now we are working on releasing emotional toxins from my body. it is a difficult process but he cares and helps me and i can tell i will be healthier + happier because of the work we are doing now.

i will start going to a psychogenic non-epileptic seizure group in september. i'm looking forward to it because it will help normalize these events for me and give me other people to talk to who have the same thing going on with them. my last event was june 12th - 44 days ago. that's the longest i've gone since november 2014 without an event - so cool! i feel HOPE again in my life and am finally seeing my life beginning to move forward.

mom and dad talked about me driving and said they will be comfortable with it in a few weeks :) this makes me so happy. i have missed driving and my car. i love the independence that comes from driving - the freedom it gives me.

i had a job interview today for a receptionist 3 nights a week - and it went so well! i'm pleased with how i managed my anxiety and how the interview went. i'm hoping to start working there this week or next week.

i have been praying more - almost daily - for the little things i need strength for. it has been incredible to see god answer my little prayers, to know and feel that he cares about me - all aspects of me. my tall walls built to protect myself are coming down and i am letting god + light in. i am seeking him and the gentle peace that comes from talking with him. my prayers are more sincere//earnest, especially as i focus on the little things. i'm doing much better at taking things one day at a time. god is providing for all of my needs and wants - i am catching a glimpse of how his plan is better for me than any plan i could've come up with.

because i'm working with dr huse and feeling better, i've decided to decrease some of the meds i'm on. this has been really exciting for me as i only want what i need in my body - not extra toxins that make the job of healing harder. while weaning off of seizure meds is not easy, i feel god's support//strength and am finding i am able to do it.

i look back at the events that have led me to this place of peace//hope and realize that without the despair, hopelessness, sadness, confusion, pain, of the past 7 months i would not be able to see the stark difference of peace, hope, light, happiness, clarity this past month. i will never like going through trials - ever - but i can see their place and how god led me through my personal lone and dreary wilderness to a place of refuge and safety. his promises are sure - and they are all fulfilled in his perfect timing.

i know as i continue to feel better that i will be able to pick up more in my life and take better hold of things.

s has reminded me in almost every text she has sent me this past week, "god is good - god makes all things bearable - the future is bright - god is good all the time - god is always good." and indeed, he is good.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

checking in with life

i am : as usual sitting on my bed - criss cross applesauce - with both fans on. i'm wearing comfy clothes - which technically could be termed "another pair of pjs" - that i just changed into an hour or so ago...

i feel : calm - content - happy even... i'm seeing some real progress in my life and it's so encouraging. i started seeing a dr (dr huse) who practices eastern medicine and it is INCREDIBLE the changes i have experienced. they may seem like small things if i listed them off - but for my quality of life, they are huge. he was so kind, gentle, and smart. the doctoring was non-invasive, calming, healing. it is the first time i have left a dr's ofc feeling such a difference and looking forward to going back.

i think : i am ok with having psychogenic non-epileptic seizures. i think i can live the life i want and progress and be the woman of my dreams even with this disorder. even better, i think with time, therapy, and dr huse's help - i really think i can receive the healing i've been promised from god all along.

i know : my subconscious is processing a lot. i don't react very often to situations in my life with verbal/physical anger - rather i process situations and change what is needed. i know tho that i am experiencing intense emotions because my dreams are very angry/vivid. i wake almost nightly from dreams that have scared me so badly and leave me with an anxious/pounding heart. last night was particularly bad. i slept with the light on. something about the light dispelling the darkness physically helps me think that maybe it will do so mentally for me. i also take ativan. bless the makers of that. i'm hoping that dr huse can help me process my feelings in a productive way and that i won't have to be angry all night long.

i want : a cheeseburger - so bad - even tho i had soup a little while ago...

i wish : my friends and family who are hurting could see dr huse. 

i will : continue the gratitude journal dr huse asked me to keep - and i will work on taking 6 sec breaths throughout the day as he instructed as well.

i will not : waste the opportunities god has given me in my life. i am blessed.

 my beautiful shamrocks (i named them Irish) started growing a few days ago - interestingly right after i met with dr huse and found renewed life/energy/healing in myself.
they make me sooo happy :)