Tuesday, June 16, 2015

ripple effect

a long time ago, at the beginning of "all of this" that is my life, i was in and out of suicidal ideation.

i had an ok counselor, but he didn't address my life ending thoughts in a way that stopped them. instead he tried to talk me out of them. it was not the most effective way to help me.

it was soon after i got home from my mission - so back in 2010/2011. i wavered with depression/hopelessness and would sometimes go into his office so desperate that i only wanted my life to end.

during this time, i could only think of 5 people who would come to my funeral - and 2 of those were because they had to. i knew s and her partner st would come willingly. i figured my counselor would come because he would feel some responsibility and that he would bring his wife (one of the ones who had to be there). the last person was the minister - and only because he had to be there officiating. 

i felt ostracized from the world. alone. broken. and i didn't think anyone cared one way or the other if i lived or died.

as i have walked through the past 4 1/2 years my eyes have been open to the effect i have on people around me. in moments when i have broken down and wanted to end my life, susan and i have talked about the huge, rippling effect it would have on so many people. 

today i put on facebook, "I. Want. Pizza." tonight a friend came over with a pizza in hand and an owl gift in the other. how amazing is that?? we probably haven't sat down and chatted for years, but there she was. it speaks VOLUMES about the person she is - and it showed me once again that i matter even to people i may feel i don't have much contact with.

as i think about my life now and the rich, full friendships/familyships/relationships in it, i KNOW i would be more than missed if i ever got to a place where i chose to take my life. this realization is such a testament to me of 1) god's love for me 2) the incredible people he's placed in my life & 3) the progress i have made.

a stone cannot be thrown into a pond without making a ripple.

so it is with each life.

one cannot exist without effecting others.


  1. I love you! Even though I don't see you much, I think of you OFTEN! Hope you are having a bright, shiny day:)

    1. Thank you so much :) IDK why I didn't see this until now lol - I appreciate your loving thoughts - today has been a great day!