how - how was i supposed to keep going through life when i had no idea what i was dealing with physically? would i ever drive again? i felt such a lack in myself that i "knew" i would be no good as a spouse. who would want a broken partner for life? if i found someone to accept me with my diagnosis, could i be a mom? i questioned/voiced these and so many other thoughts through tears.
the woman i have dreamed of being, i could no longer see. she used to shine before me like a brilliant, attainable light. but now, she was a gray, shadowed outline of someone i knew nothing about. i felt lost in hopelessness and scared.
c listened carefully and responded with validation. she said many things, but what has stayed with me is, "i think you need to give yourself some grace."
it was so profound - give myself grace.
when i think of grace words that come to mind are: care, understand, love, accept, forgive, kind, compassionate, tender. if i were to live my life with an added measure of grace towards myself i would not beat myself up when i fall short of goals, forgive myself each day for the mistakes made and recommit to doing better the next day, be gentle with myself through validating my feelings, accept that i don't have the life i thought i would, focus on my thoughts/environment - the things i can control - to make it a more positive place, address my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual wounds with a sensitivity born from suffering which has led to knowledge, and give myself the same love, respect, and understanding i do to others.
because of my faith, i know that grace is "divine help or strength given through the mercy and love of jesus christ." he is the ultimate giver of grace. the simple question, what would jesus do?, is one i need to ask myself more when responding to my human frailties.
i love jesus.
jesus loves me.
because he loves me, i matter to him.
and since i matter to him, i will give myself grace as i journey/struggle through life.
2 corinthians 12:9
"my grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness."