Wednesday, May 13, 2015

when god makes me wait

i never really thought of myself as an impatient person. i have a pretty good amount of patience with others - and have learned from my amazing friend s and susan to have more patience with myself. it has been a process, learning to be patient with where i am and what i can/can't do. actually, the more i think about it, that patience i have learned to have with myself has coming during the past 4 years and 6 months since coming home from my mission, going to counseling, using medication, having stays in the hospital, having to stop work in my field of study, starting dbt, and trying to find my way back to a life worth living.

my cousin sent me this incredible article tonight called when god makes you wait written on a blog titled the praying woman

if you have 5 minutes to spare - read it.

it talks about many great men in the bible who had to wait for their promises from god. 

it gave me a lot to think about because my prayers are perhaps not as sincere as they could be. sometimes i don't pray at all because i think "why ask god for the same thing? he knows what i want and need so he should just give it to me. i'm not going to ask him anymore." sometimes i don't pray because i'm mad that i haven't been healed yet or gotten to move forward in my life. ya, sometimes i don't pray because i just don't see the point, as far as it goes for me, but for others, i know he is there and will help. i know he hears when others pray for me, but for some reason i think he's stopped listening to me when i pray for me. so i don't. and when i do pray it's for others. i can't remember the last time i prayed for health and healing for myself. wow, that's sad. 

i'm afraid to pray because when the healing doesn't come when i want, i don't want to loose more faith in god. i know, if it were his will, he could heal me this very second. i wouldn't feel exhausted, my skin would be healed, my paralysis attacks would stop, i wouldn't have to go to the drs anymore. he could do it, but he hasn't - so i don't ask because it hurts me when the answer is "not now."

interestingly enough i think i'm loosing faith during this time but the article says he is making me wait to "build my faith." i never thought of it that way. i rely on him for little things - like getting me through traffic and to appts on time - but THE BIG THINGS in my life, i guess i feel like i suck at relying on him for help in being healed and moving on.

i don't feel like i serve a purpose in life right now - but the article said, "...there is purpose for you. even if that purpose is to wait." my purpose is to wait - patiently - and do things that make my life - as it is now - worth living - as i continue to wait on the lord.

my favorite story in the bible is the woman who was healed from an issue of blood which she suffered from for 13 years after touching the hem of the Savior's garment. often i find myself wishing i lived when christ was on the earth - i would walk thousands of miles, do anything - just to touch his garment hem and be healed. i know he can heal me. even if i don't physically touch him, he has the power to heal me. and so, i'll try to patiently wait on the lord and weary his ears with my prayers for health and healing.

**to all my family, friends, and the amazing strangers i know of - thank you for praying for me - it is your faith that is helping me hold together.**

video - come unto jesus

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