Sunday, May 24, 2015

tonight's prayer

oh father in heaven,

tonight, i will kneel down and talk to you, but i wanted to write out what i am going to say so i get it right. i know i don't have to be perfect with you, but what i have to say is important and so for my sake i want it to be presented in the right way.

father, you've called me to walk through a great trail. you have not called me to walk it alone and for that i am forever grateful. you have sent family, friends, strangers and angels to lift me up and give me relief in moments when i have felt to weary to press on. you have given me an amazing counselor who is truly 'all in' when it comes to me and getting better. also a psychiatrist who cares and other doctors down at utsw who make me a priority. i know it is a miracle that i am being seen down there and getting the help i need now.

what i want to address is the paralysis attacks. father, from what i have read, it takes people anywhere from 10-40 years to be diagnosed with periodic paralysis. during that time they struggle and are in pain and i really don't know how they live life. from the direction tests are pointing, it looks like i may have pp. and i want to beg thee to please not make me wait 5-35 more years to be diagnosed with it. can this part of my life have an end? can there be a combination of medications that help me feel normal so i can drive again, get a job, walk, visit friends, be more active in church, etc? 

i so so want this part of my life - my late 20's - to be filled with driving, a part time job, a husband, a few children - i'll even have 3 if that's a deal breaker - , being active in the community, taking better care of my body, having the energy to do things without the fear of becoming paralyzed. i want a life worth living and i can't help but think at times that a life with pp - or no relief from the symptoms of pp - is not one worth living.

at this time i am not a suitable mate for someone, if someone could look past all the physical trials he would have to walk through with me, we won't know if i can carry/have children and if i can, it will be risky due to the fact that i could go paralyzed during labor, if i can't drive how can i be a 'soccer mom', and how do i do the things i know thee wants to see me do if i have this debilitating disease that steals life/energy from me?

it is such a mess. my life is such a mess. thou hast told me there are specific reasons for me being where i am, but wow, i don't know what they are. i've completely missed the boat on that one.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'll keep going, but i can't go on for years and years and years without relief. please provide me with the relief i desire - and soon.

i love thee.

in jesus name, amen.

i feel my savior's love
greg olsen

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