Sunday, May 24, 2015

tonight's prayer

oh father in heaven,

tonight, i will kneel down and talk to you, but i wanted to write out what i am going to say so i get it right. i know i don't have to be perfect with you, but what i have to say is important and so for my sake i want it to be presented in the right way.

father, you've called me to walk through a great trail. you have not called me to walk it alone and for that i am forever grateful. you have sent family, friends, strangers and angels to lift me up and give me relief in moments when i have felt to weary to press on. you have given me an amazing counselor who is truly 'all in' when it comes to me and getting better. also a psychiatrist who cares and other doctors down at utsw who make me a priority. i know it is a miracle that i am being seen down there and getting the help i need now.

what i want to address is the paralysis attacks. father, from what i have read, it takes people anywhere from 10-40 years to be diagnosed with periodic paralysis. during that time they struggle and are in pain and i really don't know how they live life. from the direction tests are pointing, it looks like i may have pp. and i want to beg thee to please not make me wait 5-35 more years to be diagnosed with it. can this part of my life have an end? can there be a combination of medications that help me feel normal so i can drive again, get a job, walk, visit friends, be more active in church, etc? 

i so so want this part of my life - my late 20's - to be filled with driving, a part time job, a husband, a few children - i'll even have 3 if that's a deal breaker - , being active in the community, taking better care of my body, having the energy to do things without the fear of becoming paralyzed. i want a life worth living and i can't help but think at times that a life with pp - or no relief from the symptoms of pp - is not one worth living.

at this time i am not a suitable mate for someone, if someone could look past all the physical trials he would have to walk through with me, we won't know if i can carry/have children and if i can, it will be risky due to the fact that i could go paralyzed during labor, if i can't drive how can i be a 'soccer mom', and how do i do the things i know thee wants to see me do if i have this debilitating disease that steals life/energy from me?

it is such a mess. my life is such a mess. thou hast told me there are specific reasons for me being where i am, but wow, i don't know what they are. i've completely missed the boat on that one.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'll keep going, but i can't go on for years and years and years without relief. please provide me with the relief i desire - and soon.

i love thee.

in jesus name, amen.

i feel my savior's love
greg olsen

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

when god makes me wait

i never really thought of myself as an impatient person. i have a pretty good amount of patience with others - and have learned from my amazing friend s and susan to have more patience with myself. it has been a process, learning to be patient with where i am and what i can/can't do. actually, the more i think about it, that patience i have learned to have with myself has coming during the past 4 years and 6 months since coming home from my mission, going to counseling, using medication, having stays in the hospital, having to stop work in my field of study, starting dbt, and trying to find my way back to a life worth living.

my cousin sent me this incredible article tonight called when god makes you wait written on a blog titled the praying woman

if you have 5 minutes to spare - read it.

it talks about many great men in the bible who had to wait for their promises from god. 

it gave me a lot to think about because my prayers are perhaps not as sincere as they could be. sometimes i don't pray at all because i think "why ask god for the same thing? he knows what i want and need so he should just give it to me. i'm not going to ask him anymore." sometimes i don't pray because i'm mad that i haven't been healed yet or gotten to move forward in my life. ya, sometimes i don't pray because i just don't see the point, as far as it goes for me, but for others, i know he is there and will help. i know he hears when others pray for me, but for some reason i think he's stopped listening to me when i pray for me. so i don't. and when i do pray it's for others. i can't remember the last time i prayed for health and healing for myself. wow, that's sad. 

i'm afraid to pray because when the healing doesn't come when i want, i don't want to loose more faith in god. i know, if it were his will, he could heal me this very second. i wouldn't feel exhausted, my skin would be healed, my paralysis attacks would stop, i wouldn't have to go to the drs anymore. he could do it, but he hasn't - so i don't ask because it hurts me when the answer is "not now."

interestingly enough i think i'm loosing faith during this time but the article says he is making me wait to "build my faith." i never thought of it that way. i rely on him for little things - like getting me through traffic and to appts on time - but THE BIG THINGS in my life, i guess i feel like i suck at relying on him for help in being healed and moving on.

i don't feel like i serve a purpose in life right now - but the article said, "...there is purpose for you. even if that purpose is to wait." my purpose is to wait - patiently - and do things that make my life - as it is now - worth living - as i continue to wait on the lord.

my favorite story in the bible is the woman who was healed from an issue of blood which she suffered from for 13 years after touching the hem of the Savior's garment. often i find myself wishing i lived when christ was on the earth - i would walk thousands of miles, do anything - just to touch his garment hem and be healed. i know he can heal me. even if i don't physically touch him, he has the power to heal me. and so, i'll try to patiently wait on the lord and weary his ears with my prayers for health and healing.

**to all my family, friends, and the amazing strangers i know of - thank you for praying for me - it is your faith that is helping me hold together.**

video - come unto jesus

Monday, May 4, 2015

the only healing power

writing is my release. i write when i'm sad, mad, or happy. i hope those who read along don't think that my posts when i'm sad/mad reflect my mood every day. sure, i get discouraged and have my off days. i write to process what i'm going through and to make sense of the pain. i don't write for attention or pity. i write because it helps me and my hope is that someone will see it along the way and it will help them.

today was a good day - which is a tender mercy from heavenly father because there is a very difficult situation in my family. instead of feeling hopeless about it, i have felt a weight lifted and more clarity than i have in months.

maybe it is because i went to church with lifted burdens that i was able to feel how spiritual the meeting was - maybe, i don't really know why today was different. all i know is it is the first time in months that i have not come away from church upset. instead i felt refreshed and that my soul had been soothed. 

many of the members in the congregation got up and bore their testimony. it was powerful. the words they spoke were simple and true. in fact, i found myself wishing i was able to record the meeting because it touched me so.

i came away with a greater desire to learn of the Savior's Atonement. if someone were to ask me why i am going through all of these challenges, my answer would be, "i think heavenly father wants me to have a greater understanding of his son's Atonement." heavenly father is using my mental and physical trials to bring me to him

i don't know the depths of the Atonement but i do know that it is the only healing power on earth. it is because of our Savior that we can be made whole - in body, mind, and spirit. i want to study this topic and learn more of how i can apply the healing power of the Atonement to my life and receive strength.

i don't have a set plan yet on how i will do that, but i want to use preach my gospel, jesus the christ, and believing christ, as study materials along with the book of mormon.

i feel a change in my heart. i hope it stays. i hope i can act on these righteous desires. i hope i can stay strong and "endure all things the Lord sees fit to inflict upon me." i hope i can endure my life well until the end of my days.