Thursday, April 30, 2015

that's a pain in my ass

that's right - i said it - and i'm going to say it again - THAT'S A PAIN IN MY ASS!!!

i'm currently experience pains in my ass that are making me cry.

i have burn marks on my skin from the heart monitor electrode pads i was allergic to - and the forced continued use of different but still bothersome electrode pads. the itching and burning is steadily driving me mad.

that's a pain in my ass.

i had to have an awful exam at the obgyn today that was SUPER invasive.

that's a pain in my ass.

i'm fat - i need to loose weight - i'm fat. simple as that. in fact one of my 'diagnoses' is 'overweight.' huzzah - i've always dreamed of that word staring back at me from a piece of paper given to me by the doctor. i look at myself and see an ugly, fat girl with no future.

that's a pain in my ass.

i haven't accomplished anything of note in 5 years.

that's a pain in my ass.

i have to be poked again tomorrow - i don't know how many times.

that's a pain in my ass.

i see a very long future of me being a patient - one who no one gets and doesn't know why things happen to me - and i hate that.

that's a pain in my ass.

i don't communicate well when i'm angry which causes a snowball of problems.

that's a pain in my ass.

i serve no great purpose in life. i'm just here. if i were gone it wouldn't matter.

that's a pain in my ass.

i go paralyzed every week or so for 30 ish minutes. i wish so badly that i could blackout during those times and escape into the sweet bliss of nothing. but no, i have to be alert on the inside and unresponsive on the outside. i hear everything, see everything, feel everything, but can respond to none of it.

that's a pain in my ass.

 
i have to email my dr about more tests to be done.

that's a pain in my ass.

i can't figure out the ______ registration sticker for cars now and am pretty sure i'm going to have to pay another renewal fee which pisses me off.

that's a pain in my ass.

i am an unappealing - ugly - useless - unworthy - incapable -unimportant human.

and that's a pain in my ass.


2 comments:

  1. I think you're a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, talented, funny, caring, and worthwhile person who has so much to offer. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. ♡

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Friend, means a lot to me that you're in my life xo

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