Friday, April 10, 2015

painful experiences

in spite of my neglect, my blog has still had visitors - so i thank you, dear readers, for checking on my journey.

i remain in a slump of uninspired-ness. march came and went without me even writing that it was my two year mark of going inpatient for the first time. i did write about mamaw on the day she passed. and then before i knew it, it was april. with it comes my birthday and mamaw's birthday. i'll write more about both on another day.

it is currently 1:12am and i can't sleep. i have taken an ativan to help with anxiety and did my new dbt practice that susan gave me which helped maybe 5-10%. when i look at the things i'm worried about - the things that cause me anxiety and keep me up at night - it can really be summed up in two categories: money and doctor appointments.

i'm not working in my career and am bringing in little money that mostly needs to be saved to pay the taxes on the little money i make. mercifully my parents are paying for my medical expenses which with increased insurance rates are many thousands of dollars. the things i'm worried about are under 100 dollars, but when you work as much as you physically can and it doesn't bring in that much, any amount looks like too much.

and doctor appointments. i am BLESSED to have gotten into the ut southwestern system sooner than september of this year, but it means longer car rides to multiple appointments each week. i'm still not allowed to drive - major sad face - so mom and i have to match up our calendars each week so that she can take me where i need to go. please, don't think i'm not grateful. i would literally be begging for rides without her, but at the age of almost 26 it does come as an embarrassment to me to have my mom  drive me around. and all of these appointments seem useless - tests come back normal. i feel like a lab rat being poked and prodded with the end result being 'normal.' luckily my doctors are still working with me because they know something is wrong, but the waiting and the poking and the hoping, it gets me down sometimes. i swear i've had more blood drawn since november 2014 than i have in the rest of my life combined. almost every dr i see wants to 'do some labs' and i'm all 'get in line!'

in dbt we talk about being willful and willing. i have been feeling SUPER willful today and it's lasted into well this morning. i can just feel myself screaming NOOOOOO and wanting a break. i want to be alone and not be afraid that something will happen. i want to drive and not be afraid that something will happen. i want to take a solo plane trip out to see friends and not be afraid that something will happen. my body is unpredictable. but i don't want to do one more damn thing to figure out what is wrong with it. i just want it fixed/healed/done. i feel like i'm at the end of my rope - the rope is twisting and fraying and i'm holding on with both hands praying it won't snap but perhaps secretly hoping it will so this can all be over.

i guess with the coming of my birthday i'm realizing - once again - how far i am from where i want to be. i may be developing qualities of who i want to be but if i could ask god just one question it would be, "isn't there another way?" this process is painful. and as always, i'm tired. not the i've worked 14 hours straight and am about to crash tired, but the tired that comes from an unrelenting trial that seems to have no end in sight.

yes, there's a light at the end of my tunnel, but tonight i'm convinced it's the oncoming train...

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