Sunday, April 19, 2015

growing older

my friend said to me the other day that she has gotten attached to her age in the past year. it hit me then that i've grown attached to my (now old) age - 25.

i have been psyching myself up for turning 26 for two months. i didn't feel like i was attached to 25 until it up and changed on me. now i'm missing it. 25 - not yet on the downward slope to 30 - a good quarter of a century mark - a nice place to just stay.

but that's the problem with living - if i'm going to live - i'm going to age.

my sister s said two brilliant things to me - one three years ago and the other just yesterday. "How I wish you could see yourself as I see you! Why you would be smitten with you!" she's such a doll and always looks at me through the lenses of love. "I'm sure you're freaking out about another birthday and being old, so I would suggest that you be like the owls and not give a hoot about age! Instead focus on the wisdom you've gained from another year of precious life." life is precious. there have been many times in the past year where i didn't want to be alive - i thought it wouldn't matter one way or the other to those in my life if i simply disappeared - but when you are loved, you are noticed, when you are there and when you are not.

a year ago yesterday, s was here, making cupcakes with me. we went out to eat that night. i was horribly sick from the metformin. over the course of 8 months i lost 40 pounds and when the paralysis attacks started up again and i became inactive i gained most of it back - that is a super hard thing for me to deal with. i went inpatient again in december. i started getting all of my medical care down at utsouthwestern. i have had multiple tests done, more blood drawn since november than i have in my entire life, and more doctor appts than i ever thought i would need. i have heard the voices of self-hate and self-doubt haunt me through the night. i've had nightmares for weeks every time i close my eyes. my hair has changed colors multiple times. i haven't driven in 5 months. life is no where near what i thought it would be - no where. but i have learned a few things too.

even if i hate hard things, i can do them with the support of family, friends, and strangers praying for me. i can choose to be skillful or not when i feel overwhelming emotions. i have a better relationship with my brother. little things bring me joy. big things bring me joy. 99% of the time when i'm feeling a certain way, there is a good reason for it. i am finally beginning to believe what friends/family have told me for years: i am precious/i am loved/i am worth it. lots of people are counting on me to overcome the physical trials in my life and are excited to see the person i become because of them. i am empathetic. i understand what many do not as it relates to mental ailments and more recently physical ones. i can be healed. god has that power and i believe he will heal me. i am grateful that not all prayers are answered - because i've prayed to die. my parents are heros/troopers/champions. every day i live is one day closer to when i won't be a patient but will be normal. god is with me.

for now, i have to take my life a day at a time and not think too much about how i'm going to get out of where i am or how far i've fallen from where i was. i am where i am. that's all there is to it.

like the song goes - it's just another day in paradise.

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