Saturday, March 7, 2015


i am uninspired to write.

sure, i have things to say, but thinking about sitting down and forming those thoughts into words with expression that will convey my message = exhausting. and it unmotivates me and i become once again, uninspired.

i'm asked often if i'm "depressed." i don't feel depressed - my life situation as it is right now makes me sad - but i have been in the grip of depression before and don't feel like this is it. i am "awake" and "alive" enough to experience other emotions - anger, envy, shame, joy. i don't just feel this mind-numbing, soul-sucking depression. and i have at different times in my life. this isn't one of them.

this is a time of exhaustion, trying, searching, waiting, and with it longing. my mom put my "disabled-ness" in the best sentence when she said, "the attacks (of paralysis) are the most extreme symptom but your fatigue is the most debilitating."

and it's true. never in my life have i ever been this tired for so long. to not have energy to shower or brush my teeth or wash my clothes or play a card game or walk in a store for 10 min or go on a car ride longer than 10 min or ..... and on it goes. 

i remember what it was like to work an 8-10 hour day and come home exhausted, but sleep helped. i felt ok and ready to go again when it was time to wake up. now, i haven't felt rested in months. it's like my energy is being zapped by an invisible being whose sole purpose is to keep me down - literally - down. 

i've gone down the "if only i had more faith" road. but THAT led to depression. i don't think it's a matter of my faith. i know god could heal me this second if it were his will. and i would feel a change in my body and i would be ok again.

i've gone down the "maybe i'm not worthy" road. but THAT led to depression. what makes me less worthy of a health miracle than another? i am god's child - that makes me pretty worthy right there.

i've gone down the "why me - why this" road. but THAT led to depression. why is such an unanswerable question in my case. why? because. that's the best answer i've been able to come up with.

i've gone down other roads, but the one that has led to PEACE is - "what am i to learn from this?" (and the unspoken "why the hell haven't i learned it yet?!" but alas that's another why so i try not to focus on it.... :) 

patience in the lord's timing - that's a hard one for me. i'm patient with others, have learned to be more patient with myself, but patient while waiting on the lord? that has been hard. empathy - i don't just "get" what other chronic sufferers are going through, i GET it. and now when someone says "i struggle with depression; i have anxiety; i'm tired all the time; i have pcos" my heart leaps in my chest - "what can i do for you because i KNOW what that's like...." i have always believed people who have struggled but now i KNOW a measure of their struggle. compassion - towards those who suffer, and to those who are alone, and to those who want their life to be over. i can look into a pair of eyes and see in one look what others may miss in a thousand looks. 

and, it hit me in the car tonight, why i may be feeling an added measure of sadness - march is a month of anniversaries for me. it is when my grandma passed 4 years ago and when i went to the hospital for the first time and when i quit my job. it is a sad month.

for now, i have said enough uninspiring things. 

ps - one point i want to make (but don't know how to fit it into the main post so i'm making it a ps) is money does not make a person happy!!! i could have 10 million dollars but if my attitude sucks, it doesn't matter how much money i have. i'd be buying things to fill a void which only attitude can fill!!! no person is exempt from hard things - even the guy with 10 million dollars. he too has his hardships. but if his attitude is one of understanding, love, compassion, grace, and dignity then he indeed has much. on the other hand if his attitude sucks and he wants to be mad at the world, god, universe or his neighbor then he is the poorest of all.

pps - though i am uninspired i am not blind to the INCREDIBLE amount of support i receive daily from friends, family, and strangers. my friends are always near to facetime, text, or call. they come visit me and take me out on "play dates." my aunts and cousins CONSTANTLY send me prizes in the mail which BRIGHTEN my days immensely. my family is always there for me to drive me places or get things for me. and last week my dad told me one of the girls he works with prays for me in her prayer group - they don't even know me but they pray that i will be healed. i was so touched by that. all of these people mentioned pray for me. yes, i would be a fool to not see how blessed i am. as i wade through this trial the lord has sent some of his mightiest angels to lift me up.

ppps - i put random pictures throughout here that make me laugh or smile just because :)

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