Wednesday, March 11, 2015

spark

everything - yet nothing - has happened in the last four days since i wrote.

i feel a spark of inspiration to write and decided i better act on it before it goes away lol

1) my aunt l sent me a link to an AWESOME website - happify.com. it is the coolest thing! very dbt in the skills it teaches and fun. i do it 1 - 2 times a week and have passed it along to my therapists so that it can hopefully help others. check it out; you won't regret it.

2) one of the activities i did on happify focused on my strengths instead of my weaknesses. my top three strengths are humor, spirituality, honesty. i really liked those results! i always try to put a humorous spin on things. usually it's the way i say something or a play on words, but i always try to laugh. life is so much better with laughter. my favorite is when i'm with my mom and my sisters and something sets us off and we laugh until we have phlegm in our throats and tears in our eyes! power laughs is what mom calls them and they are my fav. the second one - spirituality - is spot on because i am a spiritual person. i love and live my religion and turn to god when i need strength. the last one - honesty - didn't surprise me as a strength but did in that it made the top three. i am an honest person. i am learning each day to not be judgmental of a person because there are always causes for reality. i take people at their word and expect they will take me at my word. honesty is a powerful asset.

3) i've mentioned chloe before - she is the first one who got me help as i began my journey to mental wellness 2 years ago this month. she ran the outpatient program at the hospital i went to and helped me find susan. i couldn't start susan right away because she was on vacation so chloe kept me in the outpatient program longer and looked after me until my care could be transferred. she was truly heaven sent. now she is working with susan to become a dbt therapist and because susan was gone this week i got to visit with chloe! for me it's like i have two therapists :) the session was really great. she is an amazing listener, great at pointing out what skills i'm  using, and gives really good advice. we worked on a dream i had where in essence i was the strong one protecting my family from threats and members of my family had different struggles that made it so they couldn't stand up for themselves. i was the fighter. i wanted to figure out what the dream meant because i remembered it in the morning. chloe said that the dbt way of looking at my dream would be "both/and" - i can be both sick and strong right now in my life. on the sick end of the line she had me list what is causing me to be sick right now: can't drive, lots of dr appts, lots of blood work, lots of unknowns, attacks where i can't move, being the most tired i've been in my life. on the strength side she had me look at the role i played in the dream. i came up with: in charge, in control, clear role, purpose, protector, fighter. she asked me how i could be both sick and strong - in essence bringing these two elements together to meet in the middle. i said that the goals i came up with a week ago help me feel in charge of my life and in control; one of my roles or purposes right now is to lift up others who feel discouraged and are going through trails; i can protect my family through sharing my experiences with them; and i can be a fighter by not willfully giving up but instead willingly searching for answers. we came up with a game plan of some things i can do to more fully radically accept where i am in my life when i go to dr appts. she even suggested i make a bag for myself of distress tolerance things (music, magazines, etc) that i only use at the dr's office to help my stay calm. i really enjoyed our time together.

in other news i have a sleep study coming up, a cardiologist appt coming up, and an appt with a new endocrinologist (since my other one is moving), and a gastroenterologist appt coming up. had blood work done today. seriously they've taken more blood from me in the past 4 months than i think i've had taken in my whole life put together! and all of this is with the usual two therapy visits a week. i'm a full time job lol.

i will list five things i'm grateful for to end this post:

1 - i am grateful for good medical care at ut southwestern.
2 - i am grateful for the prayers of friends, family, and strangers that get me through the day.
3 - i am grateful for the countless prizes and cards my aunts send me.
4 - i am grateful to have technology to spread information from my couch.
5 - i am grateful for a hardworking dad who provides for me when i cannot provide for myself.

life is rough - be an owl :)

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