Tuesday, March 24, 2015

failure

i look at my life and see it through glasses that are tinted (or tainted) with failure. i don't see myself as a success. my dreams are no longer dreams but distant memories. the youthful child who saw health, strength, wisdom, giving, children, family, husband, home, career, and so much more was wrong.

my mom has said that the day i can recall my mission without thoughts of failure will be a true success. i still see it as "only 1/3rd of a mission" and that i failed god.

i see my career as a failure. i don't take into account the years of college schooling i had - i only see a failed attempt at a career as a speech therapist assistant.

my dating life is laughable and non-existent - another failure. i was allowed to start dating at 16 - and in the soon to be 10 years i've been available for dates - i've had 7. i'm just not what anyone is looking for.

my body weight and the changes that have occurred with that in the last 4 years and 4 months is terrible. i look like the michelin man er woman. i'm pasty white and tubby. truly a failure to gain so much and look so terrible.

i was living on my own but had to come home when i broke down. epic fail. it's probably one of my saddest failures. i miss my apartment home so much.

i've had a glimpse of 'me' but she left when i fell on the hardwood floor for the first time. since then my life has been moment after moment of failure. 

'give god your best.' 

i don't even know what my best is anymore. i don't know what trying is like. i'm trapped in fear and there follows failure.

'what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?'

write my book
drive my car
walk 1.5 miles in 30 minutes everyday
move out and into a new apartment
know my new passion in life
go to school if i needed it for my new career
start a career - again
talk to boys
join weight watchers
travel
make owl pillows for children in the hospital
invest money so i had more to shower people i love with prizes
be a voice in the community for anxiety/depression/mental health
stay for all three hours of church
go out and make new friends
paint in a painting studio

but instead i feel lost which points me to my failures where i put up walls of fear and so i don't move.


4 comments:

  1. I struggle to think of my mission without thinking it was a failure also, and I served 18 months. Neither of our missions were failures! If God wanted us there longer or to have been perfect missionaries we would have been! Satan works hard to make us see them as fails because he wants to cheapen the sacred experience. It's okay to tell him to shove it cause Satan's a jerk.

    I'm with you-I've struggled since I was a kid with fear of failure. My mom said when I was a kid I wouldn't draw because I knew my drawings weren't as good as others. Ha! I don't even remember that! I was right, but what I didn't understand that I'm trying to learn now is that we are not trying to'be as good as someone else' or do everything 'the right way.' That's just not the point of life! If it was, that's a pretty sucky life. We're here to learn and we're here to fail. God designed it that way (mean right??). God built me and He built you with weaknesses on purpose. Why?

    I worked at a summer camp where the director let a bunch of inexperienced camp counselors build a yurt. He may have supervised it a little, but he didn't tell them how to do it, and I don't think they even had instructions. They made tons of mistakes and it's not built perfectly by ANY means! To me this was important structure that they want to use for years to come! And I've often wondered what the director was thinking. But as I worked there I learned that it was a place that was safe to make mistakes-the director saw our growth more important than a job done perfectly. When we made mistakes, we didn't receive any judgement whatsoever and were thus faced with raw consequences (if you cut a tree down and it falls on the house, figure out how to remove the tree and fix the house!). It was the first time in my life that I realized that failure is NOT an end point. It's not the result of all our efforts. Failure is an occurrence when we try to achieve something but don't get the desired outcome, but it's not the end of our efforts. Failures are stepping stones on our road as we learn what works and what doesn't work. The true thing that prevents us from success is not our failures, but not trying.

    Haha now that I've written a novel. Sorry. Just wanted to share what I learned I hope it's helpful and not annoying. If you want more cool insight read Mindsets by Carol Dweck.

    Just want you to know there's one person out there rooting for you! I think you're fantastic and no amount of failures will convince me otherwise. Its just evidence you're trying.

    My friend posted this talk this week. Maybe you'll enjoy it as much as I did: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1976/10/notwithstanding-my-weakness?lang=eng&cid=facebook-shared

    Good luck!

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    1. Wow, Lindsay, thank you so much for your response. It blew me away. It is so insightful. As I was re-reading the part about the camp it came to me that there is a beautiful metaphor there - God is the director and he watches, gives some instruction, but allows us to build our own 'yurts.' In the end, these places where we have struggled and tried so hard to do our best do become places of refuge and safety. I will look into the book and read the talk. Thank you again! xoxo

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  2. It's interesting that you see failure...I see an amazing young woman who I have always admired...always. You're a "Hay Girl" and that makes you AMAZING! I love you sweet girl!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. xoxo

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