Sunday, March 15, 2015

another year

my dear, sweet mamaw,

another year has passed since your death. four years ago today you were received into heaven. words will never be able to express how much i miss you.

i feel your love for me all around me but i miss the physical touch of your gentle hands and the sound of your laughter ringing through the house.

every time i see a cardinal i think it's a sign from you - that you're near and watching over me. when i see the sun streaming through the clouds i know you are looking down on me from heaven (i call that particular light 'my angels'). when i hear an elvis song i think of you - topper told me you were crazy about him - i wish i could ask you if that is true or if you had another singer you liked more...

the first time you held me

21 years. i had 21 years with you and yet there are so many questions i would ask you now. i feel blessed for the extra time i got with you but it will never feel like enough. i wish you could've stayed here on earth forever. to wish that is selfish though because i know you had your heartaches and sadnesses that you were ready to feel relief from. i hope heaven has accommodated you in that way.

the last time you held me

i remember talking on the phone with you. hearing your voice brought comfort to my soul. i think i was always afraid of you dying and it has been one of the hardest things for me to go through to have you gone.

thank you for visiting me in dreams. those are my favorite nights. you are so funny! still so you! i'm usually in another dream when you come to visit and i chase you down so i can be with you. that's how much i love you - i run after you and we both know i don't run easily lol :)

you have left your mark on this world. your daughters carry on your legacy of kindness, compassion, and love. i know you are proud of them. your sons are good men. your grandchildren want to name their children after you. i don't know if you knew it then, but every moment you lived you impacted your world which in turn is impacting the world.

i know you see me from heaven and understand my trials and this time in my life, probably better than i do. i wish i could talk to you about how i'm feeling, why these trials are so hard, and ask for your advice on how you made it through hard times. i try to live my life by the motto i believe you lived your life with: "Quiet Dignity." you achieved that motto to perfection in my eyes. i try - and fall short - but try again.

ah, yes, a sadness has come over me and i feel the tears. i am so grateful i have no regrets when it comes to our relationship. i told you i loved you often and you told me the same. we spoke of life after death, your twins, and lighter topics like "Strawberry Sue" lol ... 

you and i had such a bond. i miss you. i feel an emptiness at times when i think that you won't be here to watch me get better and overcome these trials, return to work, find a love of my own, have children (who will carry your name), and so much more as i live my life.

there is nothing i wouldn't do for you.

i will always remember our last hug. you sat up, held me as tight as your frail body would allow, and whispered in a most loving voice, "I love you, forever." 

I love you, forever, too.


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