my mom has said that the day i can recall my mission without thoughts of failure will be a true success. i still see it as "only 1/3rd of a mission" and that i failed god.
i see my career as a failure. i don't take into account the years of college schooling i had - i only see a failed attempt at a career as a speech therapist assistant.
my dating life is laughable and non-existent - another failure. i was allowed to start dating at 16 - and in the soon to be 10 years i've been available for dates - i've had 7. i'm just not what anyone is looking for.
my body weight and the changes that have occurred with that in the last 4 years and 4 months is terrible. i look like the michelin man er woman. i'm pasty white and tubby. truly a failure to gain so much and look so terrible.
i was living on my own but had to come home when i broke down. epic fail. it's probably one of my saddest failures. i miss my apartment home so much.
i've had a glimpse of 'me' but she left when i fell on the hardwood floor for the first time. since then my life has been moment after moment of failure.
'give god your best.'
i don't even know what my best is anymore. i don't know what trying is like. i'm trapped in fear and there follows failure.
'what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?'
write my book
drive my car
walk 1.5 miles in 30 minutes everyday
move out and into a new apartment
know my new passion in life
go to school if i needed it for my new career
start a career - again
talk to boys
join weight watchers
make owl pillows for children in the hospital
invest money so i had more to shower people i love with prizes
be a voice in the community for anxiety/depression/mental health
stay for all three hours of church
go out and make new friends
paint in a painting studio
but instead i feel lost which points me to my failures where i put up walls of fear and so i don't move.