Sunday, February 22, 2015


that's when i wanted to write this post - on my 25 years and 10 months "birthday"...

but that didn't happen.

it was such an odd day knowing that in two months i'll be 26. and what is 26? i wish it was only a number, but it's a number that means things, such as getting off parents' insurance. ya, that's really a big one for me because i haven't known what i'm going to do. obviously get my own plan but that can be expensive. my parents have been working on this - because if it were up to just me i'm pretty sure i'd end up in inpatient again - and found that i can stay on the plan if i'm "physically or mentally disabled." 

this has been so hard to have in writing that i am physically disabled. the attacks of paralysis are disabling but what is debilitating is the fatigue i experience on a daily basis. there are no words for how worn out i am. sometimes i literally shower and work for a few hours and then fall asleep. it is very disheartening to function at such a low capacity.

never in a million years could i have guessed my life would be like this at an age where i feel like so many of my peers are working in careers, dating, getting married, starting families, buying homes and cars, etc etc. all the grown up things. it has been my experience that life trials come at unexpected and inconvenient times.

i could sit here for hours and write of the life i wish i had. but in the end it would do me no good and get me no further in accepting the life i have. 

in dbt there is a formula for 'suffering.' everyone will experience pain in their life.

but pain + the refusal to accept reality on reality's terms = suffering.

pain is inevitable. suffering is optional.

there have been times in my life of both great pain and suffering. i will be the first to admit that i do not always choose to accept reality because it hurts. but i add to my discomfort when i don't accept what is.

surely god looks down on me - his daughter - with compassionate, loving eyes, knowing my pains, sorrows, and sufferings. 

he alone has brought me to this.

he alone will get me through this.

"lost no more"
by greg olsen

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