Monday, January 12, 2015

very awake

i'm up - and i so want to be asleep.

i've been really tired for years, especially once the depression hit, and now with the periodic paralysis i'm exhausted all. the. time.

but i haven't been able to sleep well or through the night ever since my little sister, s, left for utah on friday to serve her mission for our church.

i cried myself to sleep the first two nights and then have heavily medicated since then to try and numb my feelings and get the rest i need.

one of the problems with periodic paralysis for me (and many others i have read about) is if i don't get enough rest i'm more likely to have an attack.

i crawled into bed at 7 tonight and didn't fall asleep until 8:30 and was up at 9:30 and here it is 11:30 and i'm blogging because sleep is not coming.

i miss s so much. it was heart breaking to say goodbye.

because i have emotion dis-regulation i get easily overwhelmed with my feelings and sometimes don't know how to process them one at a time and problem solve what i'm really feeling verses added feelings to my original feeling.

if you've been a reader of mine for a while you'll remember the post where i broke all the glasses in my apartment because at that point in time i felt shattered and broken, like i could/would never be helped or healed.

i had a very strong urge to do that again. i was going to be alone for a while friday morning and they are just glasses so that was my plan. but in group therapy we are working on pros and cons. i did a quick one and realized that acting that way would alarm my family (parents), not bring s back, and only give me temporary relief.

soooo, i compromised with myself and said if i didn't break any glasses in the house i could get my hair done wild colors! i have been wanting pink in it for a while and i asked s the morning she left what her fav colors are and she said pink and teal, so those are the colors i got! for now, it's my way of having s with me - a reminder to me that we're still sisters and she'll be back next year - and i can make it through this.

my friend did it for me and i had a blast being with her and talking about how i'm feeling. 'hairapy' always helps.

these pictures do NOT do it justice. it's much more vibrant in person. it's also kind of my way to rebel and scream at the world.... i love it and figure if i'm going to rebel, hair is the best option because it can always be changed.

i'm grateful i'm part of a forever family and that s will always be my sister.

my favorite picture of us <3

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