so much has been going on inside of me that i haven't had the words or energy to express it.
my energy is incredibly low. i texted s that it must be my lot in life to be tired. she responded, "it's your circumstance right now, but not your lot." i remember a time when i could run errands for a few hours, go to work, and come home and still be pleasant. now, if i can go one place each day i consider that a success, and i'm usually grumpy when i'm done. i was talking to susan the other day about how exhausted i am and she echoed s's words, that hopefully this will not be the rest of my life.
i miss my daily walks. i miss being able to drive myself places. i miss being able to visit friends. my world has become so small i feel. it could be argued that even in my small place i can change it. but part of me doesn't want to. i want it to disappear - go as if it never happened. because how can being like this shape me into the "woman of my dreams?"
since my sister s left for her mission in utah i have had a horrible time sleeping. i miss her like crazy and all the little things i told myself while she was here "you'll miss that when she's gone" i do miss. even the tiniest thing like her knocking on the wall we share between rooms makes me sad. we would pretend we knew morse code and knock until one came into the other's room. i miss her. she is my heart.
there have been many dreams where i have woken panicked. usually i don't recall dreams but these have stayed with me.
one happened a few days after s left. i don't play video games but that's the best way i can describe what was happening in the dream. it was like a video game. i kept expiring and it reset 3 times. i was in all black on a motorcycle (the badass-ness of that did not go without my notice :) and was being pursued by men in heavy black armor with guns, i had no protection. instead of bullets the guns had nails in them and i could feel them shooting me - all around my head and up and down my left side. i remember moving in that dream - responding to the pain because it felt real. as i talked to susan about this, she said it is probably linked to my paralysis attacks. i may have been in one that night and this was my body's way of telling me. also, i was under attack in the dream and trying to get away from it. that is me in real life - i have these attacks but i do everything in my power to prevent them. when the dream was over i had reached the end and destroyed what needed destroying. maybe that was to give me hope that this "affliction" will not be my forever.
that dream scared me so badly until susan and i had a chance to talk about it and work through it. another recurring dream is one of a house.
how i feel - empty and hollow
the first one was 2 nights after the attack dream. i was in a house and got up from the couch and began exploring it. i looked at all of the downstairs but would hit walls where i couldn't go any further. next i began walking upstairs. there i found people who gave me hurried information but it wasn't complete. then the dream reset and i started again, except this time i skipped the exploring and went straight for the information because i didn't know how much time i had in the dream. i got from the man "clemens, vermont." in the morning i googled it but there wasn't an actual place called that in vermont. susan and i did some chatting about this dream and she said for women a house usually represents self. susan said it was interesting that right at the time on my mission four years ago when i was exploring self and getting more information as to who i am i started having attacks - like a wall that blocked progress. once again back in august, september and october of last year i began thinking about how i wanted to approach the future. did i want to be a speech therapist assistant? should i go back to school? where should i work in the mean time? all of these questions about self and making my life better came and then i started having attacks again - i hit a wall and progress stopped. she asked me what association i have with the word clemens and it reminded me of clementines which brings to mind for me christmas filled with happiness. she mentioned samuel clemens (mark twain) who wrote about characters who were rebellious and how that might have some association with me and my hair or the choices i am making right now. she then asked me about vermont - what association did i have with that? it's a secret dream of mine to move there and open a bed and breakfast. susan brought up a possible conclusion that as i am exploring self and hitting walls i am still dreaming of better days and the future. all of this information was helpful for me so that i didn't feel threatened by the dream.
last night i had another house dream, except this time i was building it. i was putting in hardwood floor and intricate molding, unique doors. it was a one story with a basement that i decided to have finished. i remember calling my husband to handle some of the construction crews' questions but he couldn't make it before they had to leave, so i made the decisions. i also had two kids whose rooms i was building. when i woke up this morning it came clearly to me that i really am in construction mode in my life. my "self'' is torn up and i'm redoing a lot of what once was done (or so i thought). i have the hope of having a husband and a couple of kids one day. and i was building for them a safe place to be. i do not like this time in my life, but perhaps it really is preparing me for greater things.
in the midst of my "inner construction" i see the amazing support of friends, family, and strangers who are watching out for me. my friends come over to my house to visit me. my family takes me places i need to go. strangers pray for me. i may not like where i am, but i can see the blessings and miracles taking place.
"miss movin' on"