for the next two days i was wracked with anxiety over whether or not the lady who was in front of me would pick up the purses (from my experience people can be flaky so i was counting on that) and if she didn't i was going to fly in there and snatch them up. i bugged the lady 2 times about whether or not i got them and had to (try) and practice some radical acceptance on not getting them - but finally i heard back - i got them! i was over to her house within the hour with seventy dollars and claimed my prizes!
i got in the car and was showing my sister b and was looking the purses over - one had a pretty bad stain on in but i talked myself out of thinking it was a big deal (which really it kinda was) - and happily took my purses home. i showed my sister s and my dad (who was impressed as i wanted him to be :) and then i put them up in my closet. and there they stayed for the next 8 days. i didn't look at them again. i didn't take them out and use them. i didn't want them. it's like, i had won and it was over.
i don't want to be dramatic but i really can't remember a time before when i have ever acted this way - so greedy. i decided that i truly needed the money more than i needed the purses and that i had 3 coach purses in almost brand new condition in my closet that i'm not using that i can use (which are mine) when i want to and my friend, c, just gave me a new grace adele purse for christmas that i love, so i really didn't need more purses, so i should sell the purses and get my money back.
i did sell them but was talked down to sixty dollars by a desperate sounding man who said "please help me" and i thought " 'tis the season" so i swallowed my pride and took the money. it was another anxiety provoking experience as i went back and forth with him, settled on the amount, figured out a meeting place, etc. anxiety - my forever enemy/buddy.
as i was putting ornaments on the tree last night a gentle thought crossed my mind, which is the whole point of this story: people - not things - give my life purpose.
i felt only a moment of joy holding those coach purses.
but relationships, those are something i cling to in my darkest - and brightest - hours.
susan tells my often that i'm not crazy. so i'm not crazy when i say that sometimes my family drives me crazy. i think that's normal. but i crave the family craziness around the holidays. i can't imagine not being with them. it breaks my heart to think of not being with them. and it doesn't matter that next year or in two years we'll be back together; i want to be together this year.
right before i went into the hospital 21 months ago i could only think of 5 people who would come to my funeral - none of them were family members, one was the wife of my then counselor but a stranger to me, two were friends, and the last one i can't remember - maybe the funeral director?? i was in a bad, bad place. depression shuts down your world and puts blinders on you. that's how i saw the world. it was awful.
since then i've been sending out yearly christmas cards and this year i sent out 75 with still more people i could've sent some to. that's incredible to me! that i have 75 people in my life who i know care about me - actually probably more - is stunning. my world is so different than it was what does and doesn't feel like yesterday.
i love the movie "the grinch." there's a line in there that cindy loo-who's dad says after they wake up on christmas morning to find the grinch has taken all of their christmas presents: i don't need anything more than this right here: my family.
i feel that way too - plus friends :)
i'm a very blessed girl.