Sunday, December 28, 2014

luggage

i have been thinking a lot about the trials in my life weighing me down. my anxiety is increasing, i am having more vivid dreams at night which i don't like because it makes it hard for me to sleep, my depression is an ongoing battle to stay on top of, the pcos is rocky with ongoing tests to determine if i have it or don't (the endocrinologist isn't sure), and the thing that is most stressing me out is having daily attacks where my body is paralyzed. i have often heard the saying "god doesn't give us more than we can handle" - well the second part to that (which i read somewhere is) "apparently god thinks i'm a badass." ha.

i have felt distant from god for a time. then as i got some dr appts i needed i felt closer to him and that he was leading and guiding me. i finally felt like i saw him in my life after a long time where i couldn't see him. i know that the times when i can't see or feel god are the times when i have moved away, not him. he is always there, i'm the one who moves. it's just hard to admit when the suffering feels unrelenting.

i have mentioned in posts before that i served as a missionary for my church. my sister, s, is leaving soon to do the same thing. i have two cousins, j and c, who are serving as missionaries too. one in argentina and one in korea. c wrote a letter home last week and told a story in it that touched me deeply. i asked me aunt if i could share it and she said yes. 
"One night, we had no plans or appointments so we decided we'd visit a member and leave them a little gift. We went to their house, which is about half an hour away on the subway, and were walking home when Elder Early noticed something kind of odd. It was this very old man, hunched over this giant box at the top of a small hill. He was in front of a big apartment complex and it looked like he needed some help. As we approached, we could tell he was in pretty bad condition. He was panting heavily, more like gasping, for air. By the sound of his wheezing, it sounded like he was a life long smoker. All he could do, after we asked to help, was weakly lift his arm and point at the box, then towards the apartment complex just down the street. So we got the message. We got the box and helped him off the ground (he had collapsed to the ground at that point; the poor man couldn't even stand) and started towards the complex. It was slow going, let me tell you. Every step was a struggle for him. But step by step, we managed to make it to the door of the building. We entered and were immediately met by a steep, narrow staircase. The lights were dim so we couldn't quite make out the building's interior, but nevertheless, we continued on, hoping the man didn't live at the top of this 6 story building. We started up the stairs, realizing that this was going to require quite a bit of time and exertion on our part if we were ever going to help this man climb those stairs. Step by step, little by little, we made it to his room on the 5th floor. We knew it was his room because when he collapsed on the flight of stairs on the fifth floor, he pointed to the door and handed me a set of keys. I opened the door and found inside what I was expecting: a big huge mess. It was honestly filthy. And by the looks of things, I could tell he lived alone. About 15 mins later, we had him situated inside with his heavy box put away. Elder Early and I walked home in silence after that, pondering about what we just had experienced. I wondered to myself how many people there are in this world that live alone, in dilapidated apartments isolated from the population, seemingly forsaken by family and friends. I wondered to myself, I really did, if God knew that man. I wondered if Heavenly Father knows someone who nobody else does. I wondered if Christ knew that man also. It was then that the experience really hit me. That's how the Savior must feel with us. That man had been carrying that burden all day and was completely out of energy because of it. It was only because of us that he was able to make it home. We all have burdens in our life. The Korean word for burden is 짐. It also means luggage--I think that's appropriate. Everyone has luggage and burdens that keep them from reaching their full potential, or being happy, or doing everything we want. And we all have baggage that keeps us from returning to live with our Heavenly Father again. It's only when we are humbled enough to fall into Christ's outstretched arms and let Him help us on our way that we can overcome those burdens that spiritually weigh us down. Unlike me and my companion, Christ is there for us every step of every day. Because of His Atonement, we can have access to His help, His Enabling Grace, whenever we put forth the minimal effort necessary to obtain it. He knows us because He knows our burdens, our luggage, our weaknesses, our everything. I realized again then, just as I do now, that God knows that man in that tiny apartment. He knows Him perfectly. He loves him so much, He sent His only Begotten; the only one who could help us get rid of those burdens, that luggage. I know that God not only did that for that man, but that He did it for everyone; He did it for me. That's why I made the choice to come on a mission. To share with others that fact that Christ waits at the door; He waits with perfect patience and perfect Charity for us to come to Him and accept His Enabling Grace. He can carry us up every single step of this life that we can't climb on our own. When we realize who we are and what is ahead, we begin to realize that there isn't a stair that we can climb without Him. I've loved this Christmas time and the opportunity it's given me to share this simple fact: Christ lives. He was born, He Atoned for us, He was resurrected, and now He is continuously and anxiously engaged in the work of our Salvation. He won't quit on us; my prayer is that we never quit on Him. When you find yourself in a situation you can't seem to handle, please don't look for someone to blame; look to Him for help."

such an amazing story. i can feel the trials in my life as luggage. i feel them constantly weighing me down. everywhere i go it's as if i can see myself picking them up to take with me. they are such a huge part of my life right now, i almost don't know how to fall into the savior's out stretched arms and ask for his mighty grace to sustain me. but i know there is power in his atonement. i know he has walked my exact road. i know he understands the pain, anger, and sadness i feel each moment of every day. and i know he is my only way out of such suffering. i can have all the dbt skills in the world but it will amount to nothing if i do not have faith in my savior to do what i cannot.

i feel broken, scared, helpless. but i know the savior is the antidote to those feelings. somehow i have to dig deep and cling to my faith and find the courage to reach out to him. he is waiting with healing power.


be not afraid
by: greg olson


i love this picture.
i see myself as the girl who has fallen into the water and there is the savior, gently reaching down to lift me to safety with him.

17 comments:

  1. Wow, a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing!

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  2. What a moving story! Thank you so much for sharing!

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  3. I wish you strength and an improvement to your health.

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  4. A beautiful post as usual! <3

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    1. Thank you for that sweet compliment :)

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  5. What a great story to share!! Wishing you a very Happy New Year! <3

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  6. Wishing you strength, peace, love, and light. Thanks for sharing! Happy New Year!

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  7. Love that story! You are amazing and can get through anything :)

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  8. Wonderful writing - 2015 is a new year. And I know it's going to be a great one for you!

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  9. My brother got home from his mission in Korea in August. How long has your cousin been there? I wonder if they saw each other. :) My brother was in the Daejeon Mission.

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    1. I think he's in his second transfer on his mission - so he's been out 4ish months, 2 in Korea. He is in the Busan Mission. So fun to have your brother home!

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  10. From one anxiety and depression ridden LDS girl to another, just stay in the boat! Xoxo

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    1. Thank you - I just try to keep my head above water! xo

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  11. Such an inspirational post, we all do indeed have luggage and sometimes we feel like its too much too handle but i know nothing is too much when we trust in the lord and if we feel its too much call on his name always

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  12. BEAUTIFUL post. Thank you so much for sharing all your thoughts and words. Love.

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  13. What a powerful story. I love reading stories that lift is up and bring hope. You did that. Happy New Yeae!

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