Wednesday, December 31, 2014

a very grumpy new year's eve post

i'm just going to say it - i hate new year's eve.

i hate the coming of a new year and the looking back and reminiscing about the past year and the goal setting for the new year. i think it's stupid.

shattered - so how i feel

because to me it means the christmas season is officially over and i have to start all over again in january. i know each year i make progress but my progress is so different these days then what i had envisioned for myself as a teenager that i don't like watching it come - ever so slowly.

around age 20 (give or take a year) i decided that the best way to 'bring in' the new year was alone. my anxiety gets bad in big crowds and i don't do well with a lot of noise and commotion. maybe if i drank it would take the edge off but i don't drink - and with all the meds i'm on it's probably a really good thing.

the past few years my mom has made soup that we eat in bread bowls and then we all end up going to our rooms (except for my brother - he likes a good party) and watch netflix or a movie until we fall asleep. i didn't even feel up to being around my family this year because my legs and arms were aching and i was extremely fatigued - most likely from the periodic paralysis.

so i spent it alone, in my room, eating sushi, folding static-ie laundry, and watching the movie new year's eve, wishing deep down i had someone to kiss at midnight - though i'd probably already be asleep.

a new year means having to go on, to find answers as to why my body isn't working effectively, facing my extreme sadness over my sister, s, leaving for her mission, turning 26 and trying to figure out insurance, feeling added guilt that i probably won't be returning back to speech therapy soon and the financial stress i put on my parents, and another year of difficult anniversaries that i'm just not ready to face again. it means more pain and sadness and change.

in 2013 my counselor then said in one of our last sessions, "this is your year! i just know it - i can feel it. great things are going to happen!" a few weeks later i was so depressed i was suicidal and had to go inpatient for a few days. i quit my job as a speech therapist assistant. i moved home with my parents and sold a lot of what i had gathered to start creating my life. i was so depressed for months that i stayed in bed and slept. literally, when i think back on that time i see it in my mind as grey. i don't see colors. i was so numb. i started doing a little work as a nanny in october.

if that was my year, i sure as hell don't want to see what 'not my year' looks like.

i guess i just don't get what all the damn fuss is about. it's just another day. it comes and then it goes.

what a down-er post, huh? but i'm real - and these are my real thoughts on this new year's eve.

i'll leave with three highlights from 2014 just so i'm not as horrible a person as you might be thinking i am ;)

3 - having pictures taken with my grandpa, aunt, and cousin in kentucky; getting pics taken with my family - especially ones of me and s as she will be gone soon; and getting a professional picture of me and my dear friend, s.

2 - getting a neuro appt in december of this year instead of september of next year at ut southwestern.

1 - the birth of my two nephews and my nieces turning 2.

peace, love, happiness, and all that other shit they wish you on new year's eve.

-i'm out-

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