Saturday, November 29, 2014

would you know the day?

"if you could erase just one day from your life, would you know the day?"

i read this question in the book the mistletoe promise (which is SO good and written by my favorite author, richard paul evans) and took the question to heart.

do i know the day i would erase from my life if i had the chance?

the answer is yes.

it's not the day mamaw died.

it's not the day i checked myself into inpatient.

it's not my first day of college as a 15 year old with huge amounts of anxiety.

it's not the day i self injured for the first time.

it's not the day i went to counseling with my first counselor.

it's not the day i 'went out' with a boy who i dated for a few weeks and then got dumped.

the day i would erase from my life if i could is november 10 2010, the day i had my first seizure.

in another world, if this day didn't occur, i would've been able to finish my 18 month mission, return in october of 2011. i wouldn't have experienced depression or anxiety to the extremes which i have over the past 4 years. i would've returned to work or graduate school in january of 2012. in six months to a year i would have met someone and started dating, then married him. and this christmas i would be a wife, mother, worker, and home maker. all because i didn't have a seizure.

but because i live in a world that is reality based, i did have a seizure. my world was blown wide open. my anxiety reached levels i had never before experienced. i went through two major depressions and was hospitalized. i was set on a path of not just 'getting by' but healing. 

if i'm really honest with myself, and really believe what drs and counselors have said, i was going to go through the experiences in my life no matter where i was (ie: go through the depressions, experience the anxiety at those levels, have the seizures, get pcos, etc). i am thankful that i don't have to worry about feeding a baby three times a day and taking care of him all night and that i don't have to consider a husband's needs before my own during this time in my life that is very self-centered.

am i lonely, ya. do i hate the seizures, ya. but i'm a romantic at heart. i can't help but think that someday someone will come and sweep me off my feet and will see how truly good and loving and caring and compassionate i am because of the depth of my suffering. i know many, many have suffered more than i have. but that does not negate or invalidate my suffering. my suffering is sufficient and then some to turn me to god. and to me, isn't that its purpose?

i have had the sad recurring thought - you're damaged goods. but i know that is not from god. i know that is not enlightened thinking. we're all damaged in one way or another and need the master healer. i pray that he will heal me, but until that time i have hope that he keeps me safe. i am loved by many - prayed for by many. and one day someone special will love me for all that i am and for all that i can be.

christmas is a season of hope, love and miracles.

this video really helped me when i was feeling down.
"the greater our sorrow is the greater our capacity is to feel joy"
"the refiner's fire is real..."


  1. I'm really sorry that happened to you. I understand about the whole if you could erase a day what would it be. I know what mine would be. The important thing is that you can move on and everything happens for a reason :)

  2. The quote at the end of your post totally makes sense to me… "the greater our sorrow is the greater our capacity is to feel joy." May you feel so much joy this holiday season! :D

  3. Thank you for sharing. Just want you to know you are a wonderful person! Have a blessed and amazing holiday season :)

  4. I'm so sorry love! I understand the feeling , to a degree. I have had migraines getting gradually worse for the last 10 years. It is so difficult to keep the faith and hope when you're going throug such pain! The question is an interesting one, I'll have to mull it over for myself... God bless

  5. I don't think I would know the day. Seems like you've been through so much but as long as there's a higher power there's hope. Here's to a wonderful holiday season.

  6. Wow! I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I love the quote at the end of your post though and I wish you endless joy this holiday season!

  7. So sorry you had to go through all of that. The quote at the end is really beautiful :-)

  8. Despite what has happened to you, you have the inner strength and insight to recognize what you would change, and having done that, you can move past it.

  9. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I would not erase anything in my life because it's what makes me me. :/

  10. Awww so sorry for your sufferings but you are on the right path, God has someone in store for you. He has a purpose for you and soon you will see it.