"if you could erase just one day from your life, would you know the day?"
i read this question in the book the mistletoe promise (which is SO good and written by my favorite author, richard paul evans) and took the question to heart.
do i know the day i would erase from my life if i had the chance?
the answer is yes.
it's not the day mamaw died.
it's not the day i checked myself into inpatient.
it's not my first day of college as a 15 year old with huge amounts of anxiety.
it's not the day i self injured for the first time.
it's not the day i went to counseling with my first counselor.
it's not the day i 'went out' with a boy who i dated for a few weeks and then got dumped.
the day i would erase from my life if i could is november 10 2010, the day i had my first seizure.
in another world, if this day didn't occur, i would've been able to finish my 18 month mission, return in october of 2011. i wouldn't have experienced depression or anxiety to the extremes which i have over the past 4 years. i would've returned to work or graduate school in january of 2012. in six months to a year i would have met someone and started dating, then married him. and this christmas i would be a wife, mother, worker, and home maker. all because i didn't have a seizure.
but because i live in a world that is reality based, i did have a seizure. my world was blown wide open. my anxiety reached levels i had never before experienced. i went through two major depressions and was hospitalized. i was set on a path of not just 'getting by' but healing.
if i'm really honest with myself, and really believe what drs and counselors have said, i was going to go through the experiences in my life no matter where i was (ie: go through the depressions, experience the anxiety at those levels, have the seizures, get pcos, etc). i am thankful that i don't have to worry about feeding a baby three times a day and taking care of him all night and that i don't have to consider a husband's needs before my own during this time in my life that is very self-centered.
am i lonely, ya. do i hate the seizures, ya. but i'm a romantic at heart. i can't help but think that someday someone will come and sweep me off my feet and will see how truly good and loving and caring and compassionate i am because of the depth of my suffering. i know many, many have suffered more than i have. but that does not negate or invalidate my suffering. my suffering is sufficient and then some to turn me to god. and to me, isn't that its purpose?
i have had the sad recurring thought - you're damaged goods. but i know that is not from god. i know that is not enlightened thinking. we're all damaged in one way or another and need the master healer. i pray that he will heal me, but until that time i have hope that he keeps me safe. i am loved by many - prayed for by many. and one day someone special will love me for all that i am and for all that i can be.
christmas is a season of hope, love and miracles.
this video really helped me when i was feeling down.
"the greater our sorrow is the greater our capacity is to feel joy"
"the refiner's fire is real..."