Friday, November 14, 2014

to s

*these are pieces of a letter i just wrote to s followed by a poem*
 
i haven't had a seizure today - which has been a nice break. i did sleep until 2 and it is 11 - but still that's a pretty long time to go without one.
4 years ago 4 days ago i had my first seizure. my life has been altered since that day. when i was in a seizure yesterday my sister s was holding my hand and then she left to go shower and dad came over and held my hand until i got out of it. he was so somber and serious. i couldn't get him to lighten up. i hate when people take things so seriously. i mean i want them to take it seriously but sometimes it's hard. i think i've told you that in my church we can get blessings. i have been given many blessings that have said i will be healed from the things that now afflict my body and mind. dad said something last night that just idk made me sad. he said 'how long have you been sick? 4 years and you're still not healed? it's not that i'm loosing faith, i just don't understand.' and that's just it. i don't understand either. why haven't i been healed? what is it about my faith or my diligence or the timeline that hasn't been right? i don't understand. i got a blessing just two weeks ago that said i will look back at this time in my life - and to me that meant this month, november - and see miracles. well, when? in a month? in 6 months? in 5 years? in 30 years? what is god waiting for?
it is moments like these that i have two mental paths i can choose to go down : my life is worth living even with a seizure disorder even if i am never healed in this life time AND my life is not worth living if i have to do it with a seizure disorder.
seizures will continue and holidays will be here, and i just have to make the most of this time of year because i love it and don't want to let this time of year pass me by. i don't have a choice but to go on. death isn't an option. it was 20 months ago.

i feel so stupid. you have often said i am smart. i don't feel smart anymore. i feel dumb - stupid. i'm clever, witty and wise but not smart. i don't have any smarts left in me.


~~~

my seizures

i see blurry
i see double
i see out of focus
i feel nauseous
i feel anxious
i feel tired
head goes limp
arms go limp
legs go limp
heavy sensation
floating sensation
distorted sensation
muscles twitch
shoulders jerk
body startles
dizzy
lightheaded
drop
i can blink
i can swallow
i can breathe
looks like i'm sleeping
possibly praying
inside i'm weeping

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