Friday, November 21, 2014


this is where i am tonight.
i have three powerful emotions running through me.
i will explain them below in dbt terms.

anger - losing power, not having things turn out as expected, being in physical pain; believing that things should be different than they are, ruminating about the event that set off the anger in the first place; muscles tightening, teeth clamping, being unable to stop tears, wanting to hurt someone (self); frowning, crying; narrow attention, attending only to the situation making you angry, imagining future situations that will make you angry, dissociative experience.

fear - having your health threatened, being in the same situation where you have gotten hurt in the past, flashbacks; believing you will not get the help you want or need, believing you are losing a sense of control, believing you are incompetent and are losing mastery; fast heartbeat, lump in throat, muscles cramping, clenching teeth, feeling nauseous, butterflies in stomach; frozen stare, crying; narrow attention, losing ability to focus.

sadness - things are not what you expected or wanted, things being worse than you expected, getting what you don't want, not getting what you believe you need in life, discovering that you are powerless or helpless; believing that you will not get what you want or need in your life, seeing your life as hopeless, believing that you are worthless; feeling tired or low in energy, feeling lethargic, giving up, frowning, posture lumping, crying; feeling irritable, blaming or criticizing yourself, ruminating about sad events in the past.

i could just sit here, starring at page through my tears for hours. i think this is the first time i'm at a loss for how to say what i'm feeling. i want to be healed. so badly. each day i face dizziness, whirling sensations inside not my head but my brain - yes, those are two different locations, drifting inside and outside my body, standing one second the next flat one my face with no warning, heavy brain feelings deep in the core of my brain, heavy numb limbs that feel detached from me, eyes that blur and cross during seizures, a body that cramps and ticks and jerks, a neck that can't hold itself up when i'm in a seizure. and i carry this drop sensation - this heavy - dizzy - whirling - sensation with me 60-70% of my day. 

 48 hr eeg 11/17/14-11/19/14

this is when i wonder how life can be worth living even when it's hard.

this is when i wonder how i can go on.

this is when i wonder what my purpose here is.

how can i do any good if i sleep for 12 hours work for 2-4 have seizures for 2 and watch tv/sit on the couch and stare into space feeling awful the rest?

i'm a waste of space and flesh.

is this really what god planned for me? is this really where he wanted me? why?

tonight, i just can't.

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