Friday, November 7, 2014

a month of anniversaries

november is a month of anniversaries for me.

hard anniversaries.

as i grow older i am learning that not all anniversaries celebrate happy occasions.

the 10th is when i had my first seizure on my mission.

the 18th is when i returned home early from my mission.

both course changers in my life.

and today, the 7th, one year ago, is when b and i were hit by a drunk driver at 10:45 in the morning.

another course changer.

because if we hadn't gotten hit by that drunk driver i never would've been admitted to the hospital that day and i never would've had severe lower abdominal pain resulting in a cat scan where a large cyst on my right ovary showed up which the er dr suggested i follow up on. in my fear i put it off until other events (missed cycles, weight gain and acne) caused me to sit in my wise mind and decide to go see an obgyn. in march i was diagnosed with pcos which has been another course changer.

fear has been a primary emotion in dealing with this diagnosis. some anger. i was so sick for 6 weeks while trying to get on a good medication. now here in november again i am not satisfied with 'progress' i have made and so i saw an endocrinologist who is doing more detailed testing. fear once again rises - as does a sliver of hope - as i face many blood and other tests. what does my future hold, i wonder, and will there be answers?

as i rewind in my mind to that day one year ago today i think of the many blessings. the clearest being, i was not driving. i had three seizures and it would've been a legal nightmare if i had been behind the wheel when he hit us and i then had a seizure. people immediately stopped and helped us. i remember in particular a good man who took care of the drunk guy making sure he didn't get away because yes he did try to leave the scene and two angel women who one took care of me and one took care of b. i also remember a calm police officer who took matters into hand and got the situation figured out quickly once there. the paramedics were great too but bossy. neither b nor i were seriously hurt. sore for a few days - i mean really sore - but not really hurt. such a blessing. and the outpouring of love from our friends was huge.

there was also something more - something deeper - that i learned from this. i have been very open on here about my time in inpatient due to wanting to end my life. without getting into too many specifics because i don't want to trigger anyone who may be struggling and looking to this for help, a recurring thought i would have during this time would be to cause a car accident. later - after my time in inpatient was over - i learned that daydreaming about causing a car accident was an unhealthy way that i dealt with stress and anxiety. it was something susan and i worked on. beginning a few weeks before the accident i had started daydreaming again about being in a car accident. i knew this wasn't ok but was in a lot of distress and wanted a way to escape my feelings. as susan and i later discussed the events of the accident we came to the same conclusion: god did not cause the car accident, but he allowed it to let me see that it is not really what i wanted because after being in that accident it scared me so badly that i became more grateful for my life, my health, and the progress i had made.

i wish i could say that since then i have never daydreamed about being in a car accident. that wouldn't be true. but every time i start to go down that path, i stop, and remember the awful impact of his truck hitting our car, the screeching of the tires, the metal on metal sound, the smells, the screaming, the seizures, the panic, the smoke, the tears, the fear, the yelling, and the pain. that is not part of my life worth living.

for months i was not able to drive past the scene of the accident and i was angry at the drunk driver. i wanted him to go to jail and be punished. when i finally did drive by my anger rose and rose and i had to do a lot of work on it in therapy. today, coincidentally, mom drove me past the scene and i felt nothing but tired. i didn't feel anger, fear, or resentment. it's a fact. it happened. it's in the past. i guess i see it as water under the bridge and i have learned what i needed to learn from it.

in all things there is much to be grateful for.


  1. I wish you peace, and I send you all my love!

  2. How very difficult... those photos are scary. I'm glad to hear you've come to peace with it.

    1. Thank you - it was a difficult situation but I am grateful I've come to peace with it too.