Wednesday, October 15, 2014

priceless gifts

i am beginning to understand the concept of 'priceless gifts' in my life.

gifts that are so meaningful they are honestly without value because the price of them is far too great it has no monetary value.

6 weeks ago i began having night terrors. they were awful. when i was young - 14 or 15 - i taught myself how to wake up from bad dreams. i didn't know then that the bad dreams i was experiencing were panic attacks at night. it was hard to do at first but as i practiced i got better. it is something i have had to use less frequently at different times in my life but in the past 6 weeks i have had to use it more frequently to wake me from the night terrors. the dreams have been awful and taunting and things in my real life that i am worried about twisted into haunting images. for weeks it was hard for me to remember what happened in my dreams and what happened in real life. i would get so confused. i saw my psychiatrist and he put me on a medication to help with my sleep and after the first week i have seen much improvement in the night terrors. if i'm having them, i don't remember them, which is good enough for me.

during this time i began to notice a feeling of sadness over missing mamaw. in dbt we learn that sadness is an emotion that helps us take a step back to look at what we are feeling and see how we are going to reorganize our life without the thing or person we once had. since mamaw has passed i have had different times of sadness. i guess this is another time of sadness where my emotions are telling me to stop and take a look at my life to see how i can better organize it without her in it.

i started a quilt made out of her pjs many, many months ago but was unable to finish it because i felt like finishing it meant i was finished grieving her passing - and i don't know if i will ever be fully finished grieving her loss. three weeks ago i remembered that mamaw had a guardian angel prayer book in her car and i thought that it would really help me to have one of those in my car to remind me of her. i also thought it would be comforting to have a rosary like she had because i know how much that part of her faith meant to her. my aunt e is incredible so i asked her if she wouldn't mind gathering those few items for me.

a week later i got such a delightful surprise in the mail! these three books came. aunt e told me that mamaw read them often and had a particular devotion to st theresa which i remembered. i felt so comforted having them and knowing that they were the same books mamaw held and prayed over many times. there is even a page 'dog-eared' and i love knowing that mamaw in all likelihood did that. 

and to my absolute delight i got a very special rosary. when aunt e told my grandpa, topper, that i wanted one he went back into his room and got out mamaw's favorite rosary and said i should have it and that she would've wanted me to have it. it is from italy and made out of fine stone - stone which i found out a week later glows in the dark. he told my dad later that it was the rosary she was praying on during her last days before she passed and is probably the last one she said the rosary on. i feel so blessed to have it. i have been sleeping with it in my bed every night. it has brought me immeasurable comfort knowing that she had it and that i now have something she valued so much. also, a gave me the 'worry rock' with an angel in it 3 years ago when i was living in my apartment and i immediately thought of mamaw because she was always rubbing her thumbs or hands and loved angels. both of these gifts have brought me so much peace and i feel very close to her.

when i got these items i felt courage rise in my heart and knew that finishing the quilt was not a sign that i was done grieving her passing. i have the right to grieve for as long as i need to. but i knew having the quilt would bring me a lot of comfort along with the new items i had just gotten. so i bought the rest of the fabric i needed and finished it that night. i have slept with it every night since and it has brought me so much peace and comfort too. it is soft and just the right length and weight and when i was ironing it the heat from the iron warmed the clothes and released the smells from them and i could smell her! it was such a tender moment. i felt so close to her and i just breathed in the moment, knowing that she loves me and that she has not forgotten about me.

mamaw loved angels. and i have wanted to get some angels for my car. it is on my to order list to buy these from natural life. i can't wait to add them to my comforting things.

a car visor clip

a car charm, it says 'guardian angel.'

there are so many priceless gifts in my life. i am just beginning to understand how incredible they really are. i am thankful for the ultimate priceless gift, my savior jesus christ.

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