Tuesday, September 16, 2014

to 15 year old me

dear rachel,

if i could go back in time and slip you this note, under your pillow during one of the nights when your chest was pounding on the bed and that's all you could hear and feel, i would.

i know how frightened and anxious you were. let's see, 15. you were beginning college and starting driver's ed. you were worried about deciding on a career and moving away from home. and that strange vein thing your finger tips did - turning turquoise and shit - oh ya, you swear now :)

i'd give you some advice. 1) first off your anxiety is real. it's not in your head, you're not making it up, it's not something you do because you can't think of anything else to do. go.see.a.psychiatrist. wow. did i just scare you? ya, maybe a little. and that may change really big events in your life. ok 1a) MELATONIN. take some. every night. it'll at least help you sleep. 2) in games - as in life - it's best to get tagged out early. best advice i could ever give you. just get out first. intentionally. then you can just sit and watch the other suckers play the game! it's wonderful. 3) everything is going to work out whether you worry about it for hours and hours or not. god is more than in control - he actually has a plan for you and he is in charge. he is literally leading and guiding your life and will put up road blocks if you're not where he wants you to be. trust me. i speak from experience here.

you feel really lonely now and feel you don't have any true friends. i remember. i promise you that the day is coming when you will have best friends (yes, plural) who will shower your days with joy. you're so young and need to learn a little more about yourself, your likes and dislikes, so you can know what to look for in a friend. but oh man when you know you will pick the most AMAZING friends! they will be there to support your through some of your saddest, darkest, and loneliest as well as joyful, cheerful, and happy days.

i don't want to ruin the surprise but one day you will be a godmother to an incredible little girl :)

right now you see your life in 2 year blocks. be open to the possibility that life is messy and doesn't follow your rules. i remember who you thought you would be and where you thought you would be by the time you were 25. you're nowhere near that person, but it's ok, because you actually love who you are.

knowing what i do, you're going to be ok. you won't always feel ok, but god is ever mindful and has a specific path he wants you to take. not only is it the road less traveled - it's a road traveled only by one before - and that's jesus. he's the only one who knows what you are going and will go through. you have beautiful and dark days ahead. don't let the fear of facing one stop you from embracing the other.

there are so many things i wish i could spill the beans on, but to do so would take away the joy of discovery. you are a constantly evolving, changing, growing human with the potential for peace and contentment in this life and the next.

at 15 you were worried.

at 25 you are healing.

i love you, you innocent, young, worried little you. keep trying. i know you'll become the best me. and i'll become the best you. and together we'll become the woman of our dreams.


ps - one word: owls <3

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