i feel ugly. i feel i look ugly. the medicine (pregnitude) i take to help with the pcos makes my hair grow faster so i have that to deal with, which means most days i wear my hair in a bun because i don't feel like dealing with the thick hair on my head. and i don't wax my legs as often as i should so i wear long pants. meds are great but they usually come at a price. showering and putting leave in conditioner daily has been a HUGE step for me. now if we could just get fixing my hair and make-up on that list.
acne. ya. it's a huge embarrassment to me. it's all over my face, back and chest. the face is what really gets me. i can cover up the other places with a shirt, but i can't go around with a brown paper bag on my face - though the thought has crossed my mind. it's just terribly ugly - discoloring and such. i wake up multiple times a night and pick at my face because i feel so ugly. you know it's bad when you wake up from sleep to pick at your face. i find myself wondering if i would be horrified if i met myself as a stranger in the store - would i look away in disgust? possibly.
these are just the physical symptoms of pcos i'm struggling with. there are many emotional aspects to it that hurt me. i often worry about being able to have children - from the pcos, the seizure meds i'm on and the depression/anxiety meds. it's a sobering thought to know that the timing of my children will have to be medically planned. yet, in all honesty, every time i start to worry, a simple thought from god enters my mind: "yes, but what if the conceiving and birth of your children is a miracle and another personal witness to you of Me?" and i feel calm. it almost upsets me that god knows how worried i am about this and calms me each time - but why would it upset me - that's silly - he's just reminding me that he hears me, he knows my thoughts and he's aware.
i read a blog post today by al fox carraway called the secret to have your best life and she talked at first about the tears she shed over not looking the way she wants after having her first baby recently. i could relate - in the not looking the way i want. i haven't been able to cry about it, i more get sad and internalize my feelings. she then moved into how we are worth happiness, love, joy, and acceptance, from ourselves. we can gain more of this as we learn to see ourselves through god's eyes. it's a really amazing, uplifting post and i hope you'll take the time to read it. she gave a challenge at the end to post a picture of yourself with anything positive about you - below is mine - so as not to end this post on a low note :)
(this is the real me tonight - no make-up, hair in a bun, and a full tummy!)
positives: my brown eyes, love to walk, love of owls, compassion for those suffering, good writer.