Saturday, September 6, 2014

inspiration is all around me

s has often said to me "the outside world is a reflection of the inside world." i believe this is true. when i first moved back home in march of 2013 after i got out of inpatient i had about 15 plants from my apartment that i loved. gardening was a hobby i had taken up. over the course of the next 8-10 months i let them all die and i let them stay dead in my room and rot because i felt so depressed and like death. their withered leaves and molded dirt reminded me of the way my soul felt: dead, shriveled, and infested. i wanted that visual reminder so i kept them until one day a few months later it clicked - after something my mom said and a session with susan - that it wasn't healthy for me physically, mentally, or emotionally, and i was ready to give them up. i was in a better place and realized i had a life worth living. around this time s also gave me another nugget of wisdom that has stuck with me - she said : you are living a developing life not a desperate one.

when i came home, i did not come home to my old room, my little sister had moved into it and i did not want to kick her out of it because she had made it her own. i came home to the guest room. it took me 10-ish months to hang a picture because i felt like a visitor - i did not feel like the change was real and did not know how to make such a small space mine. over the course of time i have bought a few new pictures that i have wanted to put in my room - and there have been a few things from my apartment i have needed to unpack since moving that i have been too afraid to get out because of the emotion behind it. 

for some reason friday night, i just started dusting and throwing away and organizing and redecorating my room. it came so smoothly and calmly. i did start to get overwhelmed and anxious at one point but i reminded myself that i was working on one section at a time and that's all i had to do.

it has come together so nicely! i love how cozy it is. people have given me lovely owls to place around my room, i have pictures that mean so much to me from people i love hanging up, and things are organized the way i want them.

see for yourself :)

this is what you see to the right when you first come into my room. 
"someday i will change the world"
"sing your song - dance your dance - tell your tale"
all of these are very motivating to me and remind me that my life is one of purpose.

my bed is next to the night stand and i love having these two pics next to it.
the sunflower is from a.
the other is a gift from s.

this is my little corner where i have the desk st bought me for my apartment - i love it.
there's the poem desiderata hanging up.
my painting that c and i did.
something i bought from a girls' trip which says
"live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, leave the rest to god"
and a gift from c and e which says
"today is a perfect day for a perfect day"

better focus on the dresser - my dad bought it and i really like it because it is a lot like the ones mamaw has in her house. 
there is my favorite picture of me and mamaw.
a red hatter bear that one of my aunts gave me to remind me of mamaw.
and 5 dried roses in a special vase. those roses dried all on their own while they were still in water when i was living in my apartment. i've had them for probably 3 years. they died gracefully, as mamaw did, and that's why i keep and treasure them. i cannot give them up and take special care of them. you can see in the mirror that my bed faces my dresser. mamaw is the first person i see when i wake up and the last person i see before i go to bed.

here is my wonderfully organized bookshelf!
a friend just got me the owl - too cute! i love his little legs hanging off the shelf :)
the flower arrangement is one from mamaw's funeral.
i have my 'jar of broken-ness' that i made years ago, filled with glass, when i felt broken and shattered - it reminds me of how far i've come.
an envelope from s filled with confetti because come on, everyone needs that!
and signs that say
"crazy just might work"
"breathe: what if we treasured every breath?"
"keep calm and eat a cupcake"
and i made the cube- it's actually the congreve cube from the movie mr magorium's wonder emporium. if you haven't seen it, you must! one of the quotes on there is - "fun and mental is fundamental!"

love this corner. it has my rocking chair that is really important to me, my amazing painting from my cousin b that sums up my journey beautifully - i love looking at it everyday - , an owl pillow from my sister b, an angel throw blanket also from mamaw's funeral, my p-fak box, an owl decor on the wall from my sister s, and my newest addition (more info on this next week :) a wonderful poster from natural life that says "not all who wander are lost."

lastly i leave my room with this gentle reminder - just like i did at my apartment when i left my front door - "remember to dream."

it's a beautifully cozy space that is mine and i feel more at home in it. i am content. in the moment. today was a productive, good day, thanks to friends, family and god, all who encouraged me.

i got my nails painted teal in honor of september being pcos awareness month. i didn't ever think my journey with pcos would be this difficult but as s would say, "i'm dancing as fast as i can."

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