Tuesday, August 12, 2014

vampire hours

i guess i'm keeping vampire hours tonight. i haven't pulled this for a while. i don't know why i'm doing it tonight. after doing a body check and making sure i wasn't in any physical pain or discomfort i decided something must be on my mind.

so i turned to my blog. what could it be, i thought? there has been a lot of talk about the recent passing of robin williams. i remember the first movie i ever saw him in was flubber. i wouldn't say he was my favorite funny man, but he did make me laugh and brought joy to my life, so how could i not appreciate him and feel sadness at his passing?

then i started to see posts on facebook about the cause of his passing. so i did a little googling and found an article by fox news that says the "coroner suspects the death to be a suicide due to asphyxia." it also reported that he was "battling severe depression."

all of this got me thinking about my life and my time of deep despair and depression. oh how i remember those sinking months in my apartment leading up to my time in inpatient. i didn't recognize the signs of depression then because i had never been through such an episode before and i was living alone so i didn't have anyone to help me recognize signs that weren't normal. by all accounts i was 'functioning' but really i wasn't. i stopped taking my trash out regularly. i stopped folding and putting away my laundry. i stopped fixing good food for myself. i began sleeping more. i showered only because i worked in some FILTHY homes with smoke and unclean floors. i was tired and drank more soda. i went to counseling but began to realize that i needed something more to do. i began to self injure. 

and then - the week of darkness - it was like my mind wasn't my own, thoughts that had never been so persistent suddenly became all i could think about - and those were ending my life. instead of desperate - like i had felt in the months previous - i felt calm and certain that this was the only way to make my life work. i accepted that in order for my life to make sense, i had to end the suffering. it was too much for me to bear. my mind was constantly working on a plan to end my pain. there was a little light dimly burning in the back of my mind that kept saying "something's not right about this, you need to tell someone" and that kept me aware enough to tell a and dr queenan but not until the entire week had passed. i had speech sessions with my kiddos where i couldn't focus because my mind was elsewhere, and i didn't know what to do. 

a stayed with my thursday night and i know that was god stepping in protecting my life because i saw dr queenan friday morning at 9 or 10 and he put me right in the hospital. a was my angel. she cleaned my apartment and went shopping for me. i will never forget that.

inpatient was hard, but it was the intervention i needed. then intensive outpatient program was hard but i needed it too. chloe, our social worker there, was amazing. she is now our co-leader in dbt group therapy so i still get to see her each week which is really great and i'm happy she gets to see all the progress i have made. from pjs and slippers to make-up and hair fixed (most thursdays :)! and then getting in to see susan and having specialized treatment from her in dbt has been the most helpful, life saving, rewarding, best, amazing thing i have done for my life. it has saved me.

depression is a big deal. suicide is a big deal. people's stories matter. we never know what suffering goes on behind the jokes or the smiles or the laughter. every life has suffering. my mom always says, every person has a story that will make you cry.

i created this blog to share my journey, but also in the hopes that others would feel comfortable enough to share piece of their journey in the comments. we can encourage each other.

life is worth living, even when it's hard.

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