Monday, August 18, 2014

time marches on

sadness is playing a huge role in my life once again. it is a powerful emotion, one that causes me reflection and makes me pause and think about my life.

b is moving saturday. this makes me very sad. i can't find it in me at this moment to be happy for her and how her life is progressing and unfolding and that her career is advancing. i can only think of me and the sadness her absence in my life will bring. my brother c has an interview for a job in alaska which they are flying him down for. this too brings me sadness. he wants it so badly and often in life we get what we want. he deserves an adventure but here too i cannot see past the sadness the absence his presence in my life will bring. my sister s is going on a mission trip like the one i did when i went to az. she could possibly leave as soon as december and i don't want her to go.

when did my younger siblings grow up? when did they become adults and start making adult decisions? when did thanksgiving and christmas really become family holidays instead of every weekend being a mini family reunion? ah, these questions burden me. and sting my eyes with tears.

there are deeper fears that lie under each of them leaving - fears of marriage, safety, disappointment, rejection - things i want to protect them from and/or don't want them to experience either before me or ever. but it's part of life. something i have to radically accept. and know that they'll be ok. even if they do get hurt.

i am also sad from my recent trip to kentucky. though i had an absolutely wonderful time seeing my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandpa, the absence of my grandma, mamaw, was so apparent this time, and the reality of her death so much more real, that i left feeling sad. i did ok visiting her grave but found myself uncomfortable in her home and wanting to spend less time there than i usually do. i stayed with my aunt e this time and was more comfortable staying there and away from mamaw's home. i didn't walk around the inside of mamaw's home or explore it like i usually do just to see it all again. i knew she was missing and i didn't want to walk around and not see her there.

i'm just going to be really frank in this next paragraph about pcos and hormones so if that makes you uncomfortable - jump ahead! pcos has thrown my cycle off and it has made my hormones do a loopity-loop. i can't track my cycle and only get clued in to when it may be coming when i start to notice that i'm grumpy, moody, or extra emotional. even at that, it's taken susan cluing me in to it for the past two months for me to catch it this month. and still my little visitor hasn't arrived. so i may have to do a little more work and take matters into my own hands and get some extra help from my obgyn so that i know when my cycle is coming. pcos is hard in a lot of ways.

if i didn't have the skills that dbt teaches i would not have been able to do my day today. i have been moody and grumpy all day. but i got up and showed up at work with my lemon water - reinforcement for going to work. then went on my walk (which is a PLEASE skill) with the promise of a cupcake if i did it - more reinforcement. and saw susan - and asked for what i needed, which is a skill i added and wrote marsha linehan about (the person who created dbt :). and then i came home and am working on laundry, writing, and doing low key things to stay calm. i would be lost without dbt. it has saved my life in so many ways. i am grateful god led me to it. grateful beyond words.

here are some pictures from kentucky that my cousin j took :) i will treasure them forever <3


me and Topper front porch sittin'

us on his trusty ol' truck

love this one! tractor time!

my favorite out of all of them - j said ok now one real close and Topper put his arm right up there around my neck and said how about one like this? :) precious!


such a great moment captured :)

one of my favorites!

LOVE the lighting in this one!

this angel is in the last garden of mamaw's - j said no editing needed to be done, it was like mamaw wanted to be there and part of the picture - i totally think she did <3
me and w, my iron man girl! she tweeted this to rdj ;)

we know - amazing!

love this one of us!

too cute!

twinners!

my fav! me and my sweet cousin :)

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