Tuesday, August 5, 2014

i see god's hand

i have been incredibly stressed today : full of anxiety, fear, i have a headache, my jaw is numb from clenching it, my chest is tight, my eyes are filled with tears that may soon spill over, and i feel a slight disconnect from my body.

there are recent situations in my life i haven't recovered from emotionally, there was a situation that came up today that i'm processing as skillfully as i can but it's still hard, and there are medication changes i'm adjusting to in regards to my seizures that are causing me extreme fatigue/sedation. all of these things leave me feeling emotionally vulnerable. without the dbt skills i know i would be in my bed, depressed, sleeping, with netflix running.

but because of dbt i am able to get up, walk at the gym, go to work, take a rest, interact with people, reinforce myself (give myself a prize), reach out to friends, face problems head on and skillfully, communicate with people directly, set up doctor appointments, go to doctor appointments and breathe through them, have open and willing hands to try new things, go to parties, go to church, be around crowds, express my limits, make repairs/apologize, balance little questions/bumps in the middle of my daily routine (something i wasn't able to do before), and plan/think of my future.

i am grateful beyond words for dbt and what it has taught me.

and so as my opposite action to stress tonight, i'm going to do as bing crosby sings about and count my blessings by naming all the ways i've seen god's hand in my life recently :

i've seen god's hand in helping me get baby clothes for a friend.
i've seen god's hand lead me to a new dermatologist.
i've seen god's hand calm my anxiety while i talked about money (a trigger subject for me).
i've seen god's hand remind me of a skill to use in responding to an anger provoking situation.
i've seen god's hand provide enough money for me to pay my bills.
i've seen god's hand help me think about my future.
i've seen god's hand remind me of the good i did in my past work as a speech therapist.
i've seen god's hand in finding the humor in situations.
i've seen god's hand in providing insurance for me.
i've seen god's hand giving me friends who support me.
i've seen god's hand as friends have shared their children with me.
i've seen god's hand as i have been led to dbt.
i've seen god's hand in loosing weight.
i've seen god's hand in providing shoes that fit my feet.
i've seen god's hand bless me with patience.

i feel my heart changing, from anxious to grateful. i am so thankful for god's goodness to me. he has done so much for me. 

"be not afraid"
i feel just like this girl in the picture - i have fallen and the Savior is reaching down, patiently extending his arm, and lifting me up to safer shores.

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