Saturday, June 14, 2014

lonely

last night i was very lonely. the kind of lonely that caused me to reach out to a few friends and confide in them what was causing my sadness and loneliness. then i sat and stared. stared into space. thinking thoughts about what i can do to improve my life and imagining it less lonely.

in the quiet came an answer i wasn't expecting. what if loneliness is what brings us to the only person who can truly fill that void : god. this really got my attention. there are many people who can distract me from my loneliness - friends, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, soon nephews, one day a husband and hopefully kids, my brother, grandparents. and certain activities i can do that distract from my loneliness - shopping (like going to hobby lobby or the hallmark store), taking a brief vacation, painting, taking walks, blogging, going on facebook. but at this stage in my life i find that there are frequent moments where i feel the sting of loneliness strongly.

who can fill that void with unconditional peace, love, understanding and comfort? because of my faith and belief the answer for me is god. and so last night with tears streaming down my face i fell to my knees and asked him to comfort his daughter who was hurting. my sentences did not make much sense but i asked him to feel my heart and ease the pain i was feeling. soon after that i fell asleep.

one of my friends responded back to my question of how she managed her years of waiting before she was married and started her family (from my perspective, the 'lonely years') she mentioned that there is a blog post going around called are you lonely, mama? she said a lot of her mommy friends are sharing it and that it talks about the loneliness and struggles moms go through during the season of motherhood. i just read it and it's really good and made me think about how with each season of life there will be moments of loneliness.

s's partner, st, wrote me a note a few years ago that i have saved. it was so powerful i want to share what she wrote : "life is really a series of moments. good moments. bad moments. joyful moments. painful moments. but if you remain present - engaged in all of your moments then you will always be able to look back and know that whatever moments you experience - they are just moments that make up a fabulous - full life." so beautifully and simply written.

i am coming to learn that there is purpose in suffering - there is purpose in loneliness. it reminded me of a time when i had no close friends and how painful that was. now i am grateful everyday for the close friendships in my life. this time of loneliness and desiring a family of my own will hopefully help me be a more compassionate wife and mother one day as i remember the time i went through when i didn't have what i wanted right away.

what is your time of loneliness teaching you?


No comments:

Post a Comment