Friday, June 13, 2014

it has come to my attention ....

.... that i am living my life with more awareness. i give much credit to susan and therapy - but also credit to myself. i am becoming self-aware and learning what i do and do not want to become and taking steps to come closer to that.

i was super pissed the other night. i texted s and she texted back that she had her phone close so i called her. we talked through the situation that was making me upset. basically it came down to i felt like a friend was not being able to express her individuality by making a style choice because some people in her life didn't approve. s and i talked back and forth about why this made me upset - the ins and outs of the situation - and how she understood my frustration. the amazing thing about having a friend like s is her ability to understand ME. she gets it. and i'm so grateful.

after we had chatted for a while i told her that i'm learning in my life the same thing can be done many ways and it can all be right. i'm learning to let people (my friends and siblings, people i work with at church, the 4 girls i'm watching this summer who are in their teens, etc) grow in their individuality and do things their own way. so it's not my way. ok. the world won't end. so maybe it's not as fast as my way. ok. we've got time. so we have to clean up a bigger mess. ok. life is a process of learning.

a perfect example of me learning this was when i was watching one of the girls tuesday and she was making lunch for us. i found myself hovering in the kitchen - wanting to be helpful but not sure what to do - and she just said, "you know you can go sit down, you don't have to stay in here." totally real. totally like "i need my space and i don't need you right now." and you know what? i was cool with that. i didn't get my feelings hurt. i just was like, "oh, she's older now, she's got this, and i'll go hang out on the couch!"

i'm really for this "space to be your own person" because in the home i have grown up in there was (and now that i'm back is) a lot of "where are you going, where have you been, what are you doing, why are you doing that, when will you be back, what is your schedule, who is coming over, you need to this, it's good to that, etc" and it has felt suffocating. especially being back as an adult it has been harder. having had more freedom in my apartment to come and go as i please, to use my time as i choose, it's been extra hard to face these daily questions.

i don't know how i'll apply it to having kids of my own but i hope that i'll be able to let them make style choices of their own that express their individuality, dye their hair if they want, create art that is expressive, paint/decorate their room - make their space unique and theirs. am i saying i'll be perfect at this? no. i hate that word. but i'm saying i'm going to try to let them be them. and in the meantime since i don't have kids i'm going to continue to practice this skill on the people around me. accept them for who they are and their efforts for what they are. let them do their best as i do my best. that's really all a person can ask of another anyway.

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