Saturday, May 17, 2014

shame

tears. stream down my face. tonight, i'm sad. not the depressed kind of sad i have been. but the sad that comes from disappointment and lost dreams; a life that has turned out much different than originally thought.

i am at the age where most of my friends and family members of similar age are getting married, having babies, buying houses, settling into jobs, growing up. and i feel like i have been 'put out to pasture.' i would NOT take the happiness and joy i see in my friends and family away from them. that happiness is theirs. they deserve it. they have waited their turn for it. and i want them to have it. 

it is just, haven't i waited, too?

i am having a very hard time having the motivation to participate in my own life. i do not want to. i am willing to do certain things - but not all things that would make my life better. perhaps susan would say i'm being too hard on myself, i don't know. (i just slumped down in shame) yes, shame has reared her ugly head and is paralyzing me with fear. she has been one of the main reasons i have not written in over two weeks.

i am shamed by the pcos. though not my fault i am still shamed by it. i am shamed by the weight gain from the pcos and depression. susan explained it to me in very technical terms - i want you all to know the tears are pouring down my face - and that though i did eat the food that caused the weight gain it is not all my fault. but still i feel great shame. i feel great shame over not working full time. i feel great shame over the acne on my face. i feel ugly. i feel great shame in how my life has turned out. tonight, shame is my worst enemy.

i feel exposed. usually writing is therapeutic for me. tonight, i feel like i'm standing naked in front of millions. 

how do you trust the process- of living, of moving on, of going forward - when it's not what you expect?

and i'm not asking rhetorically - really how do you?


2 comments:

  1. girl, i love you so much. and you're beautiful. i think of you as my little sister. i know you've grown up, but i feel just as protective of you as i would if you were still a beehive today!

    i don't know that i have THE answer for you, but i do have AN answer, anyway. at different times, life has taken turns that i didn't expect. some large, some small. during college, i think the number one lesson i learned was that if i felt like i was in control of things, almost without fail God would knock down that house of cards and i would be starting again, looking for a new dream. the hardest part in that was letting go of the old dream, even though the new one was often greater than what i would have originally imagined. does that make any sense? sometimes i grasped onto a new big dream, but the things that helped me along were smaller, achievable dreams. God knows what the bigger picture is for me. and i'm glad that the big picture isn't up to me to decide, because i'd be terrible at painting it. but i can help fill in the details. so i would pick a small something to learn, or find a small service project, etc. to paint the details of that picture in a way that felt like me.

    i think this is maybe just a bunch of garbled words. and maybe this isn't helpful at all. but for me, i had to let go of the big dreams and give those to God to worry about. and then i just focused on the small dreams, and the big stuff seemed to take care of itself.

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    1. what you said makes perfect sense and i have really been thinking about it the past few days and trying to digest it and apply it. thinking big is when i get into trouble. i think my life has to be and should be in a totally different place than where it is and i compare it to where others are and that's when i get really down and dreary. but the small stuff - that sounds do-able and achievable - and actually very dbt! and just what the lord would want me to do. small steps in the right direction are still steps in the right direction. i love you too and think the WORLD of you!! i'm so grateful to have you in my life. i'm so perfectly happy to be your little sister! such a fun change for me to not be the oldest :) i have many good memories of you in yw and at camp. and it's so fun to see you on fb with your kids and read all the hilarious stories about them! what a fun bunch you have! thank you for your words of wisdom. xo

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