tears. stream down my face. tonight, i'm sad. not the depressed kind of sad i have been. but the sad that comes from disappointment and lost dreams; a life that has turned out much different than originally thought.
i am at the age where most of my friends and family members of similar age are getting married, having babies, buying houses, settling into jobs, growing up. and i feel like i have been 'put out to pasture.' i would NOT take the happiness and joy i see in my friends and family away from them. that happiness is theirs. they deserve it. they have waited their turn for it. and i want them to have it.
it is just, haven't i waited, too?
i am having a very hard time having the motivation to participate in my own life. i do not want to. i am willing to do certain things - but not all things that would make my life better. perhaps susan would say i'm being too hard on myself, i don't know. (i just slumped down in shame) yes, shame has reared her ugly head and is paralyzing me with fear. she has been one of the main reasons i have not written in over two weeks.
i am shamed by the pcos. though not my fault i am still shamed by it. i am shamed by the weight gain from the pcos and depression. susan explained it to me in very technical terms - i want you all to know the tears are pouring down my face - and that though i did eat the food that caused the weight gain it is not all my fault. but still i feel great shame. i feel great shame over not working full time. i feel great shame over the acne on my face. i feel ugly. i feel great shame in how my life has turned out. tonight, shame is my worst enemy.
i feel exposed. usually writing is therapeutic for me. tonight, i feel like i'm standing naked in front of millions.
how do you trust the process- of living, of moving on, of going forward - when it's not what you expect?
and i'm not asking rhetorically - really how do you?