Friday, May 23, 2014


i sit here. starring at the computer screen. and one word keeps going through my head : fear.

over and over and over again.

fear - fear - fear.

with growing intensity, over the past two weeks, i have felt this fear escalate. in my mind i feel like i'm in a box that has shadows creeping in on every side. slowly, i'm becoming encased in blackness.

the fear holds me hostage as i try to move beyond it and back into my life. i'm not exactly sure what the fear is about but i have an idea. i think the fear is about returning to work as a speech therapist assistant. from my perspective, i left on such a dissonant cord - thursday i saw all my patients like every other week and friday i was in the hospital - tuesday i quit. it happened so quick, the spiral was so fast that i didn't see it coming. i am afraid of returning to work because of the disastrous way - to me - it ended. i found myself last night writing "i don't want to work with kids." that was so sad and so insightful if it's true. i don't know what to believe anymore. i don't trust myself.

i texted a the other day, "i have this crushing weight of fear that seems to be paralyzing me. i'm afraid of all the choices i need to make and i don't know what to do.i feel like a ship without anchor tossed in a storm." when i'm out of susan's office i'm extremely hard on myself. she agrees. when i'm in her office i have better clarity. she presents the other side of my life that i'm not always willing to allow myself to see (ex: all the good i'm doing in-spite of the suffering and hard days). even still i feel like i'm struggling to be skillful in the choices i'm making and the actions i'm taking. 

i was talking to my aunt e this week and she said, "life is not for sissies." that's for damn sure. 

s and i were texting yesterday and we had a delightful conversation about this movie clip :

s - "I saw something online that caught my eye and imagination recently. Prolly an Alice in Wonderland thing ~~~ "anxietea party" man that would be a crazy 3 act play. Like the tea party in wonderland. Right now I would be the mouse in the tea pot dosing off. Who are you? The rabbit? No, not the rabbit? Alice ?" me - "I could be either : the rabbit running around late late late but prolly Alice starring off into space wondering what life holds in this strange land. Yes that fits." s - "Yes, it does."

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