Tuesday, April 29, 2014

sick as a dog

i have been "sick as a dog."

my dr put me on metformin - also known as satan's drug - for my pcos. i. hate. it. with. a. passion.

it made me so ill i felt like i was knocking on death's door, begging it to end my suffering.

after three weeks on that i called and said i couldn't take it anymore - i was having severe nausea all day and into the night, throwing up, having seizures - again - , and i'm going to say it, diarrhea. so they put me on glumetza, which i thought was a different drug, but learned after 3 days on it was actually a timed released metformin. !!! i tried it for a week before i called and said i couldn't do that either because of the same symptoms.

this month has been one of intense suffering and i have been miserable.

so now we are trying pregnitude. so far it's nausea and seizures - i don't know if they are connected, but those are the symptoms.

it's been a long time - months - since i've been at the 'give up' point. in dbt, giving up is not an option. giving up is the same as ending life and it's not an option. i have been doing really well with managing my dr appts and meds and therapy and homework and balancing life and trying to add more things in. but this last month has been like the rug pulled out from under me. there is a really strong emotional aspect to my pcos - will i be able to have kids? - that kicks me in the gut constantly and that i battle often. it is always underlying to the physical treatment of 'get her blood sugar down, weight down, diet better, exercise on a routine, etc' and i have been stretched to capacity.

anyway, i got to the give up point saturday. to feel lousy for so long, to be confused for so long, i was ready to throw in the towel. i was so tired of not being able to be more than 5 steps away from the bathroom. of having nausea swirling around my stomach. of having seizures that take over my body and leave me motionless. i didn't act on my urge to give up, but it was there, i was angry, and i wanted to give up on this whole process. susan and i had to talk about what it means to 'give up' and if i am willing to keep going.

what i've found especially difficult is having 3 different drs (psychiatrist treating anxiety/depression, neurologist treating seizures, and obgyn treating pcos) treat a specialty area not coordinate care. i have come to realize that i need a pt advocate, someone who will look at the bigger picture of me and help me make decisions about my health. i don't really have a primary care physician who i like so i'm going to a new one - but that of course means another dr appt, which i hate.

taking care of me and my health is a freaking full time job. !!! it gets monotonous and confusing. i doubt myself and how to make the best decisions for me. i plead with god for help - but sometimes - i feel/fear the heavens are silent. though i know in this i error. god is not silent. he has spoken to me. many times. he has spoken comfort to my soul when no one else can - and he puts me to sleep on restless nights when i can't fall asleep. he is my strength and has promised to lead me through this.

i don't want to say this has been a negative post because then i would be invalidating what i have experienced but it has for sure been a REAL post about real things that have really been going on in my life. so i'll end with five things i'm grateful for :

1) i am grateful that i have time in my life to play health catchup and get the medical attention my body and mind need.

2) i am grateful i have insurance that helps me pay for the medical care i need.

3) i am grateful for supportive family and friends who pray for me.

4) i am grateful for god and that he listens to my pleadings for help.

5) i am grateful for my bed where i can lay on the days where i feel bad.

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