Tuesday, April 29, 2014

sick as a dog

i have been "sick as a dog."

my dr put me on metformin - also known as satan's drug - for my pcos. i. hate. it. with. a. passion.

it made me so ill i felt like i was knocking on death's door, begging it to end my suffering.

after three weeks on that i called and said i couldn't take it anymore - i was having severe nausea all day and into the night, throwing up, having seizures - again - , and i'm going to say it, diarrhea. so they put me on glumetza, which i thought was a different drug, but learned after 3 days on it was actually a timed released metformin. !!! i tried it for a week before i called and said i couldn't do that either because of the same symptoms.

this month has been one of intense suffering and i have been miserable.

so now we are trying pregnitude. so far it's nausea and seizures - i don't know if they are connected, but those are the symptoms.

it's been a long time - months - since i've been at the 'give up' point. in dbt, giving up is not an option. giving up is the same as ending life and it's not an option. i have been doing really well with managing my dr appts and meds and therapy and homework and balancing life and trying to add more things in. but this last month has been like the rug pulled out from under me. there is a really strong emotional aspect to my pcos - will i be able to have kids? - that kicks me in the gut constantly and that i battle often. it is always underlying to the physical treatment of 'get her blood sugar down, weight down, diet better, exercise on a routine, etc' and i have been stretched to capacity.

anyway, i got to the give up point saturday. to feel lousy for so long, to be confused for so long, i was ready to throw in the towel. i was so tired of not being able to be more than 5 steps away from the bathroom. of having nausea swirling around my stomach. of having seizures that take over my body and leave me motionless. i didn't act on my urge to give up, but it was there, i was angry, and i wanted to give up on this whole process. susan and i had to talk about what it means to 'give up' and if i am willing to keep going.

what i've found especially difficult is having 3 different drs (psychiatrist treating anxiety/depression, neurologist treating seizures, and obgyn treating pcos) treat a specialty area not coordinate care. i have come to realize that i need a pt advocate, someone who will look at the bigger picture of me and help me make decisions about my health. i don't really have a primary care physician who i like so i'm going to a new one - but that of course means another dr appt, which i hate.

taking care of me and my health is a freaking full time job. !!! it gets monotonous and confusing. i doubt myself and how to make the best decisions for me. i plead with god for help - but sometimes - i feel/fear the heavens are silent. though i know in this i error. god is not silent. he has spoken to me. many times. he has spoken comfort to my soul when no one else can - and he puts me to sleep on restless nights when i can't fall asleep. he is my strength and has promised to lead me through this.

i don't want to say this has been a negative post because then i would be invalidating what i have experienced but it has for sure been a REAL post about real things that have really been going on in my life. so i'll end with five things i'm grateful for :

1) i am grateful that i have time in my life to play health catchup and get the medical attention my body and mind need.

2) i am grateful i have insurance that helps me pay for the medical care i need.

3) i am grateful for supportive family and friends who pray for me.

4) i am grateful for god and that he listens to my pleadings for help.

5) i am grateful for my bed where i can lay on the days where i feel bad.

Friday, April 18, 2014

25 things in 25 years

today is my 25th birthday. i can't believe how time has passed. i haven't wanted this 'milestone' birthday to come, but like all days, it does, and so i must accept it. i'm practicing radical acceptance and breathing in each moment, trusting that all will be well.

i have learned so much in my 25 years on earth.

1 - god loves me. he knows me. he has a plan for me. this plan has been very different than the seemingly perfect plan i had set out for myself when i was 16, but i am beginning to see how wise his plan is.

2 - i can do hard things. 

3 - i will carry on the legacy of love mamaw showed me in my own way in my life. i feel her influence every day and i love her very much.

4 - i have treasured friendships that will last a lifetime.

5 - my emotions fit the facts of situations i am faced with. this has been valuable and validating.

6 - i am a good student.

7 - i am a creative decorator who likes her space put together and organized.

8 - i can endure a lot of nausea and vomiting. something i never thought i'd learn about myself.

9 - i feel loss deeply.

10 - i am a dedicated servant of god and want to honor him in my life.

11 - i love having my hair colored, my back rubbed, and my arms tickled :)

12 - my mental health matters and it will be something i work on for the rest of my life.

13 - every experience in my life has been to build me up, not tear me down.

14 - i have a supportive family.

15 - i. love. dark. chocolate. the darker, the better.

16 - music speaks to my soul and i enjoy bustin' a move alone in my room.

17 - timing is everything, and when the times is right for the next experience in my life, god brings me to it.

18 - lavender vanilla febreeze is one of my favorite scents.

19 - i am a willing person.

20 - i am a good, competent, kind therapist.

21 - i listen with a compassionate and empathetic ear to what others have to say.

22 - i love to drive my car!

23 - sleep is really important to me and i love naps.

24 - i enjoy writing (especially on my blog :)

25 - i am a steady, constant, skillful person who can be counted on.

these are some of the truths i have come to know about myself over the years. i am grateful for the life i am living. maybe not the one i expected to be living at this age, it's still a good one, filled with purpose and hope. hope that there is a bright future ahead filled with joy. i know my suffering and pain now is not over looked by god - and the truth is he is blessing me despite the hardships. not always in the way i want or expect but blessings are blessings and i'll take them!

look to the future with faith and hope - it is bright.

"look to me in every thought. doubt not, fear not"

Saturday, April 12, 2014

scared is scared

this is a darling video susan showed me the other day.

it really made me happy :)

i also love these three videos!

happy watching :)

Sunday, April 6, 2014


yesterday i went to the funeral for a friend's infant son. it was hard to see her, her husband and son grieving. i will never forget the pain on her face. the preacher gave a beautiful, faith-filled sermon of trusting jesus. i loved what he said. there was so much hope and comfort in his words. i am grateful for his wisdom and insights. they released balloons to send heaven ward. it reminded me of l's life celebration where the same thing was done but with notes attached.

for some reason it was such a comfort to see those balloons going towards heaven, knowing that even though we couldn't make the journey at this time, they could.

mamaw lost infant twin girls. one was stillborn and the other lived for a few hours. i believe she carried the pain of their death with her throughout her life. they are buried on a beautiful hill in augusta, ky. i know she visited them often and whenever we would visit ky we would make it a point to take her out there to visit them. i know she loved them so much and missed them every day.

when mamaw passed she requested that some of her ashes be buried with the girls. on my trip to ky last year in august i went to visit her and the twins. i was a little apprehensive about going. i wasn't sure how i was going to feel after - fearing added depression would set in. but i went. it was a lovely, sunny day, about 72 degrees with a breeze. i walked up to the grave sight and just sat there by myself. the church bells started ringing and i had this overwhelming feeling of peace. in that moment i knew that mamaw was with her girls and all was well with her.

i am so grateful for that experience. i felt very close to my sweet mamaw then and felt her love for me. here is a picture of me at the grave sight.

i believe that our spirits live on after our physical bodies die. i know my mamaw is very much alive. i know l and my dear friend's baby boy are alive and resting in the arms of our savior. i do not know why these incredible women have been asked by god to go through such a tremendous heartache as loosing a child, but i know that god will be with them every step of the way.

i wish i had wiser or more comforting words to tell my friends. i don't know how to get through the pain of such a loss. i know that mamaw did. but it changed her. it refined her. it made her a kinder and gentler person, more able to asses the sorrows of others. she lived with a quiet dignity about her. i wonder if it started when she lost so much?

in the midst of my heartache over this week's news it has been a blessing for me to look outward and reach outward, to give a hug to someone who is struggling with a heavier load than i am. there are always greater sorrows in the world to be had.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

all news ....

.... can't be good news i suppose .... i haven't really wanted to write this post -- yet writing is theraputic for me and cleansing so i know it will help.

i have been having some 'lady troubles' and way back in november when becca and i were in the car accident they found a large cyst on my right ovary. i finally went to get checked out monday and was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome. i cried most of monday and tuesday. susan said it's ok to cry because this diagnosis was/is a threat to my way of life or better, how i want to live my life. she believes i'll be able to have children - and i'm still hopeful i'll be able to have children, it's just now there are more obstacles to overcome.

today, i'm out of tears and scared.

scared of all the changes i need to make in my life and how i'm going to be able to do that. i need to get on an exercise program and better eating program. all things i've known for a long time, it's just now i have to do it. and i'm looking at this mountain like "how in the world am i going to climb you?"

i wonder why god is asking me to go on this path ... it feels so hard and difficult. i didn't know what to say last night in my prayer. i was at a loss as to how to communicate with god. i just started pouring out my soul to him. my hopes, dreams, fears, wishes. it all came spilling out. oh, how i need him!